Hemlock Grove isn't good by any means, but it is great (just not if you watch earnestly). The Netflix original series is unfocused, over-dramatic, convoluted and stagnant all at once — which is exactly why you need to watch. Because Hemlock Grove doesn't even attempt coherence, it's impossible to predict what's coming, making every episode an exhilarating surprise. The mad scientist has super-strength? Weird. What's this secret Catholic werewolf hunter society? Bizarre. Are we ever going to find out why Roman has mind-control powers? Who cares!
Hemlock Grove and 23 other (not-so) guilty-pleasure shows
Hemlock Grove is all about the journey, not the answers. Did I have the vaguest understanding of what happened in it? Not at all, but I loved every second (even if it was often hard to tell if something was funny-bad or just the result of idiot producers). If you're looking for a quality supernatural drama, for the love of God do not watch Hemlock Grove. However, if you're looking for an entertaining way to spend a weekend, go right ahead. Just make sure you know what you're getting yourself into.
To help you prepare, here are 20 of the most absurd moments from Hemlock Grove's first season. If these don't convince you it's the greatest thing since Splash, nothing will. [This is where I'd typically warn of spoilers, but since the show barely has a plot I wouldn't recommend caring.]
TV boyfriends who ruin your real-life relationships
(Via)(Via)(Via)2. When Peter transformed into a werewolf and his eyes fell out and he ate his own skin.3. Roman's sister Shelley is some sort of cyborg-Frankenstein. Don't ask. This is never explained.
(Via)4. But really, Roman and Peter have ridiculous sexual tension.
(Via)5. When Roman performed oral sex on a girl because he found her period arousing.
(Via)6. That time Roman had ice cream.
(Via)7. When Shelly's big rebellion against her mother was ordering a salad. This was followed up by the oh-so scandalous decision to purchase earrings. How dare she! 8. Letha is convinced she had gotten pregnant by an angel, but it turns out she was raped by her cousin Roman (who was under his mother's hypnotic spell and has no memory of committing the act).
(Via)9. But it's cool because Peter thought her immaculate conception was "sexy."
(Via)10. Every single line of dialogue, but most of all, this: 11. Seriously though, I can't stress this one enough: Roman and Peter's sexual tension.
(Via)12. Christina found a corpse, but thinking it was just a gag corpse, she kissed it and got major PTSD.
(Via)(Via)13. When everyone acted as though Peter being super hairy proved he was a werewolf, when he's practically bald from the neck down.
(Via)14. When Roman used his own blood as lipstick.
(Via)15. When Roman and Peter broke up.
(Via)16. When it turned out the killer was Christina, who brutally eviscerated other girls "snatch first" because she was offended by their sexual promiscuity. (Have I mentioned this series is terribly misogynistic yet? Because it is.)
(Via)17. Famke Janssen's terrible attempt at a British accent and the fact that her character became a vampire by cutting off her vestigial tail ... maybe? They weren't too clear about this point, but that's what I'm going with.
(Via)18. Peter's reaction to finding out his girlfriend was in labor.
(Via)19. When Peter had his face eaten off on purpose.
(Via)20. When Roman became a vampire, made out with his mother and bit off her tongue.
(Via)Unfortunately, many of Hemlock Grove's most bizarre moments are highly inappropriate, so you'll have to watch the series if you hope to fully grasp the depths of its absurdity. It's worth it, I swear.Hemlock Grove's entire first season is available on Netflix. Watch now and have no regrets!