Hawaii
OK, so tell me why anyone would want to visit Hawaii. Because between this and North Shore, the place is rotten with drug smugglers, tranny hookers, killers for hire, oversexed hotel employees and Shannen Doherty. Not to mention sweat. No wonder they all raided that mobster's hideout wearing tank tops under bulletproof vests. Not exactly functional — or believable — but, then again, neither is the idea that the dead dealer's girlfriend was the baddie. Come on. The chick was on Port Charles. As a vampire! You think anyone capable of such a bad career move could pull off a murder? Please, child. Oh, and speaking of kids, my friend (and personal inspiration) Kristin has confessed to having a thang for Eric Balfour, so I may have to revisit my clownlike phobia of the youngster. If only I could let go of how horrible he was to that poor middle-aged teenager Theresa on The O.C.

Amish in the City
I'm sure the producers were hoping a trip to the Amish country would cause some heat, with the city kids getting all "Ewwww, cows" or whatever, but I gotta say, I'm feeling the love tonight. Why? Because Miriam got out of the van to see her mom — even though it couldn't be caught on film. Finally, someone on reality TV does the right thing instead of just the most camera-friendly. Unlike, say, Ariel hurling her vegan cookies at the pig roast. Or Reese... being. Note to blondie: We get it. You're here. You're queer. God bless. But you could turn down the stereotype by not referring to yourself as that little dog's "aunt." It's gonna have a hard enough time dealing with Meagan as its mommy.

Quintuplets
So I read somewhere that "people are responding" to this excruciating sitcom. Do they actually mean "reacting," like with a rash? Or "responding to," as in how police respond to the scene of a crime? Because it should be illegal for Andy Richter to play sixth banana to a bunch of moderately talented teens who look about as related by birth as I do to my Watercooler colleague Rochell Thomas. Though I have to say one thing for my sole sitcom this evening: The Psycho music behind Patton as he took in his statuesque new squeeze's shrine to miniature toys did get a chuckle. Maybe Fox could hook Richter and Ryan Pinkston up with a better show. That way, my response wouldn't involve a remote and the soothing sound of click.

Siegfried & Roy: The Miracle
You know, I was so afraid this would be a mess and that I'd be sent straight to hell for making fun of Maria Shriver's interview with Roy Horn a year after his mauling. Mercifully, it wasn't the car wreck it could have been. Nor was it really that riveting. I mean, Horn was great, looks better than I expected and certainly still has some fight left in him. And Siegfried is just so devoted to his old "friend" (wink, wink). You have to dig that. But there was something really unsettling about those computer-generated reenactments of Monticore's attack. It was like watching outtakes from a Father of the Pride episode that should never, ever air. Kind of like most of the ones that already have.

World Music Awards
First off, this is not a real awards show. Not only is it being held in Vegas, where we know the only real kudosfest is the Adult Video Awards, but the winners are determined by sales, not skills. That's why we got Hilary Duff snagging Best New Female Artist. Of course, it doesn't explain how Courtney Love was allowed within Sin City's limits or why the town has attracted so many heavenly flare-ups...
9:06 The Almighty gets his first thanks after Usher's named top R&B artist, confirming that his Lord and Savior is better than Beyonce's.
9:32 Again, God gets Usher a trophy. Miss Knowles still, obviously, is in big trouble.
10:02 God's favorite R&B singer blazes through "Yeah," ironically introduced by Kobe Bryant, who wins Most Booed Accused Sex Offender.
10:07 Anna Nicole attempts to steal Bryant's prize by smothering Best New Male Artist Kanye West, apparently also one of God's chosen.
10:15 Celine Dion proves that she has absolutely no soul. And that Monticore has been resurrected as a fabulous shawl!
10:31 Whitney Houston rises from career purgatory with a gloriously uplifting performance tailored to make us forget her ugly past. Sadly, even Jim Caviezel himself can't erase the memory of that hair in her "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" video.

Rescue Me
This is getting G.D. ridiculous. How have I fallen for such losers? Mikey's lining up "mother-daughter combo platters," Jerry's stealing money from a rescue to pay off his bookie and Leo's mackin' on that dead firefighter's widow. These guys are slime! At least Tommy showed some signs of having a moral compass by offering to raise Janet's "oops" baby, despite the questionable parentage. Or existence, for that matter. We'll just have to see how they treat Diane Farr now that she's transferring into the house. From the looks of it, they all want to treat her quite well, but then again, they probably don't realize she was the only woman who could give it to Denis Leary's tough-nut cop on The Job. And not in the way he's been getting it on this show. Oh yeah, this is gonna be sweet!