Uh-oh! It's a rerun of the season opener, where Lorelai caught Rory bein' a Gilmore Whore with Dean, her recently married ex. That was a good one. Rory, you dirty.
High School Reunion
It's no Desperate Housewives, but HSR sure has the right recipe for a cheap, trashy, fun nighttime soap opera: Start with an exotic locale (Hawaii), stir in some hot hunks (Gianni), tragic heroines (Nikol, Nikki), and add one man-eating psycho vixen (Jaime). Honestly, I've previously ignored this series. (If you read my weekly Insider interviews with Top Model castoffs, y'all know this TV Guide boy endures way too much reality TV.) But once I learned this season's classmates were Catholic-school grads, I was too intrigued. Those repressed parochial schools usually turn out more sinners than saints, right? Herewith, my fave High School highlights...
1. "Oh. My. Gawd," said the shrill-voiced Jaime when she first laid her crazy eyes on ex-BF Gianni. Didn't she totally remind you of Janice from Friends? Janice was forever surprising Chandler with sudden, unwelcome appearances, making him cringe just like Gianni did upon spotting Jaime. The Chan Chan Man would lamely pretend to be glad to see her, while she self-delusionally swore he was in love with her.
2. The 7-foot-tall Gianni is no Chandler Bing, however. He's a towering Italian inferno of hotness. Hell, Jaime can hardly be blamed for fixating on the dude!
3. Irrational, knife-wielding Jaime in the kitchen "jokingly" threatens to stab Gianni. Meanwhile, HSR cuts to the confessional interview where she admits to physically abusing him back in school. Yikes! Love it, love it, love it. Is that wrong?
4. Formerly obese Carin lost weight, looks great and still isn't smokin' enough to distract the guys from skinny Loretta. Aww...
5. Hall Passes. We used to request 'em for restroom breaks. These folks use 'em to make out. Nice.
A Surreal Channel-Surfing Moment
While flipping the remote during commercials, I alight upon Sex and the City's Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall stylishly sashaying around Manhattan. Then, I flip over to Lifetime and see Cynthia Nixon playing an Appalachian mother in some TV-movie tearjerker called Papa's Angels. (Yes, really.) How jarringly surreal to see our Miranda wearing a cheap cotton dress and combing her long blond tresses in the mirror, trying to make herself "purty" for her hayseed husband Scott Bakula! I'm so weirded out right now.
The Biggest Loser
Is this show ever gonna end? How many weeks can they be cruelly presented with smorgasbords of tempting tasties? Enough! But maybe I'm just bitter 'cause it's late and I haven't yet eaten dinner. Now, of course, I have to feel all guilty about my supper choice. My tummy cries out for steak tacos but I'll probably go with grilled chicken and broccoli. Like Ryan, I crave six-pack abs more than fatty foods. I think.
P.S. Liked eliminee Andrea (aka "Dre") inviting her rivals to "check the back" of her size 8 dress as she walked out. Could that be Dre's cheeky way of tellin' 'em all to kiss her ass?
The Amazing Race
I'm reaching for the clicker again. Watching the Racers stack up those stinky fish is almost yuckier than...
...listening to two doctors talk about babies with bowel obstructions. Tonight, I'm just not feelin' either show. I'd much prefer to watch the MDs on...
Oy. Now Turk's talking about performing a colectomy on some guy. (That's colon-removal surgery to us laypeople.) I've had it with the potty talk tonight!
Poker Royale: The WPAA Championship
Zzzz... Watching cardsharps on cable TV equals snooze-o-rama for me. (Hey, that rhymes!) Like some other great American leisure-time activities (i.e. golf), it doesn't make for very compelling viewing unless you're already a die-hard aficionado. And let's be real: Unless you're an agoraphobic shut-in like Sigourney Weaver in Copycat it's lame to sit and watch others be social and play games when you could be out having a life yourself. That said, at least Bravo's Celebrity Poker can amuse poker virgins like me with its cheeky celebrity meet-and-greets. The only "celebrity" on GSN's Poker Royale is Saturday Night Live alum Kevin Nealon, who's awkward, wooden and unfunny here. He barely cracks a joke in the midst of all his soporific play-by-play commentary. His ever-receding hairline also reveals a forehead large enough to project drive-in movies on. (Ba-dum-bump! Couldn't resist.) It's a loooong way to fall from SNL to GSN, folks. Note to Nealon's ambiguously qualified cohost, "poker professional" Evelyn Ng, who dresses more like a member of the world's oldest profession: Belly shirts are inappropriate attire for a woman who wants to be taken seriously in a man's world.
John the secretary's striped shirt and multicolored tie were certainly holiday-festive, weren't they? Bill Brochtrup positively outshone that floral bouquet he handed Jackie Obradors (Det. Ortiz). Maybe John's working some kind of Queer Eye strategy to add a much-needed splash of cheery color to that drab, depressing squad room. By the way, who's that gorgeous, Mary Tyler Moore-looking actress Gordon Clapp's Det. Medavoy was making time with? Maybe I'll e-mail TV Guide Online's Televisionary and ask him 'cause damned if I know. Oh well!