Gilmore Girls
Finally! It was rough to wait months for a fresh cup of Lorelai and Rory's super cute, over-caffeinated banter. But it's weird how co-dependent this mother-daughter duo is. I mean, they've supposedly just spent the entire summer backpacking in Europe together, right? So do they have to spend every moment together in the days before Rory heads off to Yale? Cut the cord! Stars Hollow and New Haven are both in Connecticut, which ain't that big a state. Hey, I grew up an only child of a single mom, too, and we are very chatty and close like the Gilmores, but we also need our space. Or else. Am I right, Mom?

Paradise Hotel
Okay, normally when I check into Paradise Hotel, I soon feel like running for the nearest exit. This show is like the Big Brother house on acid. Nothing anyone says makes sense! It's just a bunch of ignorant sleazes rubbing up against each other. Or else they just lay around drunk and trade childish insults. Grow up, people. And sober up while you're at it. But thank goodness Keith chased Amy away, so she didn't make it into the final three couples. How sweet to hear Amanda, the snotty hostess, tell her: "You must go get your bags and check out of paradise." And how funny to watch Amy hypocritically hug everyone goodbye — even as the show runs old clips of her past bitchy putdowns to each and every one of 'em. The train back to Hagsville is on the platform, and Amy needs to be on it.

I'm with Her
This sitcom rip-off of Notting Hill has two problems: Teri PoloMeet the Parents and Domestic Disturbance — is no Julia Roberts. And I'm not even that much of a Julia fan, but even I recognize the Pretty Woman's unique star quality. Polo's just pretty, placid and blonde, like a zillion other starlets in TV and movies. So it's hard to buy her as this international object of idolatry. As for David Sutcliffe, he's likeable enough, but again, rather bland. No comparison to Hugh Grant! And he needs a shave.

Frasier
Okay, those melodramatic NBC promos about Niles and Daphne's fertility problem concerned me. Combined with Roz and Frasier's feuding, this sitcom was starting to look like a soap opera! I'm tuning in to laugh, not stress, ya know? Happily, the promos lie. David Hyde Pierce and Jane Leeves still are as charming as ever, even when handling the delicate dilemma of Niles's low sperm motility. But hey, if I may say, Daph looks smokin' hot in a lacy black negligee. That sure can't hurt their case. And it might help!

FedEx commercial
On an executive's first day at work, an office manager yanks him into the mailroom to help get some important packages out, using the FedEx website. "It's easy," she says. "Anyone can do it." Mr. Hoity Toity protests, pointing out he has an MBA. "Oh, you have an MBA?" she retorts. "In that case, I will have to show you how to do it." Tell it, girlfriend! Some guys put on a tie and get a fancy title, and they think everyone's their minion. More of these corporate suits need a sistah to break it down to 'em.

Law &#038 Order: SVU
A 911 operator receives a distress call from a lady on her cell phone. "Please don't kill me!" she begs. A pervy-sounding man's voice responds: "I'm not gonna kill you — I've got something else in mind." The 911 operator's earnest reaction? "Sweet mother of God. It's the Carjack Rapist." Oh, sweet mother of God. Talk about jacked-up dialogue writing. Click.

NYPD Blue
In the interrogation room with a sex offender, Dennis Franz starts fuming and takes off his watch. Uh-oh. His fine-lookin' partner, Mark Paul Gosselaar, pulls down the window shade on the door. As Season Eleven kicks off, it's hardly a surprise when Franz throws the perp against the wall and chokes a confession outta him. Another week, another case of police brutality. Somebody call Johnnie Cochran already!