Friends
Oh my God, how cool is this? On the eve of the big goodbye, NBC throws me a bone and runs a repeat on my night. I'm so excited... and not in the Pointer Sisters kinda way. Sadly, my glee is slightly tempered by the fact that this wasn't a very good episode. I mean, Phoebe's impersonations to keep Joey from realizing his agent was dead and Ross bribing the Ralph Lauren guy into rehiring Rachel would have been high-larious, like, four seasons ago, but now that most of them are tickling 40 (and showing it, sorry), it all came off as tragically co-dependent. Of course, I'll probably need Matthew Perry's leftover Vicodin and Dr. Phil on speed-dial to get through the finale without collapsing into a tear-drenched mess, so really, who am I to judge?

American Idol
OK, we're over swing night. Yes, it was a monster car wreck. As was poor Diana DeGarmo's dress. So let's all move on and focus on what's important. George Huff is history, Paula's thumb infection has clearly spread to her hypothalamus and we've got four divas left standing. One white, two black and a Hawaiian. Yeah, this show is so racist. Perhaps that's why Simon's taken to squeezing himself into T-shirts tighter than David Gest's forehead, to distract us from the obvious bias. And speaking of bias and bum digits, do HMOs cover text-messaging-induced arthritis? 'Cause I'm not stopping until I see Fantasia and LaToya kicking it head-to-head at the Kodak Theatre, ya hear?

Friends
Oh, well look at that. More Friends. Huh. I guess NBC doesn't think that those unrelentingly somber, soft-focus ads haven't clued us in that the show is ending this week. No matter. This one was eons better than the earlier episode. Dang. David Schwimmer and Jennifer Aniston tore it up in that goodbye scene. And how about Monica looking so meaty? Finally, pregnancy has turned Courteney Cox from the hottest girl at your local prison camp into a real, live woman. But can someone tell me why the audience always breaks into an "ohhhhhhh" whenever Ross and Rachel fight their way into a kiss? Please, people. These two have been solving conflicts with lip locks longer than that tune by the Rembrandts has been giving me night terrors.

The O.C.
Nooooooo!! Ryan, get out of that car, go back to Marissa, take that bottle out of her hand and alert the Coast Guard that there's a Cohen loose on the open sea! Criminy, how can they do this to us, close the season with everything up in the air? So not fair. Excellent, but so not fair. I knew that skank Theresa would ruin everything. Fox, you're lucky this is coming back next fall, because my inner 12-year-old is seething. Nice touch, though, having Seth throw Oliver in Marissa's face, referencing the fashion-show fiasco, softening Caleb with the bankruptcy crisis and making his wedding to Julie the first violence-free shindig we've attended all year. The problem is, it may take me all summer to bounce back from that music montage at the end. Between Kirtsen's breakdown and Coop's return to the edge, that may have been three of the most emotional, dramatically hefty minutes of any drama this season. Except for maybe...

The Bachelor
...which had me at goodbye. Seeing Trash, I mean Trish get the boot at the Rose Ceremony restored my faith in a higher power who is both just and judgmental. And while the hateful hottie's demise was worth the wait, it wasn't nearly as surprising as finding out that her folks were so normal. I expected a cross between The Addams Family and something Jane Goodall would study. Now, Tara's gun-crazy pop? Yeah, that might be something Jesse may want to think twice about. Same thing with Mandy's MIA dad. I understand the whole divorced-parents thing, but who ditches his daughter like that? Especially when she's bringing home a pro athlete. Doesn't this man watch the news?

Dateline
Hey, look at that. A two-hour report on... Friends. What, is something going on with the show? Seriously, I'm sure the demise of Must-See madness is the worst thing to hit NBC since Supertrain, but shouldn't newsmags be more concerned with what's going on in Iraq these days? Seriously, as heartening as it is for us normal folk to hear about Matthew Perry's fears for his future — having that much money must be scary — maybe we could save the outtakes and interviews for the DVD, the clip show, the post-finale Jay Leno shot, the reunion movie and the inevitable Friends: One Year Later special? And for God's sake, somebody get Katie Couric out of those knee-high velvet boots! She's not...

Mary-Kate & Ashley
...who I am totally starting to warm up to. Admittedly, they resembled Sea Monkeys back in their Full House years and for a while, were too ubiquitous to deal with. But after last week's Oprah visit and this surprisingly entertaining profile on E!, I must say that the kids are alright. And pretty damn smart, too. Of course, we all know that they control, like, the entire 'tween universe. That's their thing. But how cool are they for casting Eugene Levy in New York Minute based on his work in Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show? Most people I know twice their age haven't even seen those gems. Probably 'cause they're too busy counting the days 'til the twins' 18th birthday. Pervs.