Fear Factor
Yeah. So, uh, if this is the "model" episode, then where are all the pretty boys? Answer me that, Joe Rogan. Where's the beefcake? Click.

Jockey
Be careful what you ask for. I turn the channel and HBO's got 106-pound jockey butt — naked in the shower. Whoa. I wanted a little testosterone. But not like this. Man. "People don't know what riders go through," says one jockey before launching into a detailed description of how these little men make weight. Sweat boxes, diuretics, the purge method, overexercising and undereating. You name it. They do it. And all for one chance at racing glory. Remember that DMX song that goes, "Would you ride for me? Would you die for me?" Yeah. Well, these guys ride and die and they do it for suprisingly little money. The fourth-place rider in the Kentucky Derby gets something like $600. From one of the highest-stakes races in the world. What?! Forget greyhound-rescue programs. These people need jockey rescue. This is insane.

Bernie Mac
"Show business will bite you in the booty!" says Jordan. And the 13-year-old spoke the truth. Case in point: Bernie's got a great show. Yet Fox feels the need to cheapen it with a stupid American Idol cross-promotion. As if Paula Abdul and Randy "That was aiight, dog" Jackson need more exposure. The show's already on two — sometimes three! — times a week. Ain't that enough?

In the second Bernie episode of the night, Jordan's "becoming a man" and it's cracking me up. (The underwear ads in the newspaper: Do little boys really ogle them?) But, oh, yeah. It's all about the Bernie Mac reaction shot. Those looks he gave the camera after he unknowingly broke up Jordan's kissing-in-the-closet game had me rollin'. And the 48-second sex talk... Thank God for this man's show. 'Cause a girl needs to laugh after that jockey documentary. For real.

The New Pizza Hut Commercial
And just when I'm up, Jessica Simpson brings me down again. Seeing that girl talk to a winged buffalo... This is the sound of me not laughing. Why don't people get the fact Jessica's whole look-at-me-I'm-so-dumb act is tired already?

Girlfriends
See, that commercial's got me upset. And it's ruining one of my favorite shows. Like right now, I can't stand the fact that Donna's so freaking insecure about her relationship with William that she's jealous of Joan. OK. Yes, William and Joan's Wonder Twin Cinco de Mayo holiday madness is scary. I'll give you that. But, girl, he — a lawyer — stalked a bus stop for you — a poop-wiping-nurse's aid. And that is a beautiful thing. I mean, when he said, "I'm all about you," I stopped breathing. Donna, I love that he went after you. And I love that you two are together. It tones down the show's unabashedly bougie factor. Why can't you just be happy? Why can't you accept that William and Joan have a freaky-weird relationship and just roll with it?! OK. Okay?

Alright. Note to self: Calm down. This is just a show. This is just a show...

But, no, it's not. Donna's doing that thing that I've done — that many women do — and I want the Girlfriends writers to make it stop. There's no need for Donna to stir up trouble now. (What?! Is Jill Scott going on tour?). The relationship's just getting started. William's introducing her to his friends. He's repeatedly telling her how and why he cares for her. He's doing all the right things. One of the things I love about this show is that you didn't put Joan and William together. That would have been to sitcom-y and obvious. Please, make it stop. Make it not happen.

Half & Half
Dee Dee's internship pays "only $2500 a week." What kind of interning is she going to be doing? Seriously. Our poor interns are lucky if they get lunch money and maybe a free copy of TV Guide. Maybe.

But on a different note... gravelly-voiced MC Lyte as the boss lady still takes some getting used to. I keep expecting her to call Spencer a roughneck and growl, "I am the Lyte!" Shoot. If I hadn't seen her show up at the cattle-call audition for last season's It Factor, try out and not make it, I would have had to hate her on behalf of struggling actors everywhere. But since I saw that I have to cut her some slack. She worked to get in this role.

The Swan
I'm starting to feel dirty watching these shows. Why? Because I'm waiting for evilness to happen. I confess: When it comes to this show, here's what I'm waiting for:
1. For a woman to hate the results of her "brutal three-month makeover."
2. For a Swan to pass out after seeing herself in the mirror.
3. For someone to get their surgery and just be out — as in, straight up quit the show. 'Cause you know that's got to happen. I mean, after you get the work done, who really cares about the freaking pageant?
4. For someone to ask pretentiously accented host Amanda Byram how much work she's had done. Or, heck, I'm waiting to see the Swan program profiles on the whole team of experts. There ain't a virgin face in that crowd!
5. For one of the doctors to say, "I have created a beauty!" Or something mad-scientist maniacal like that. After all, this is competitive plastic surgery. The doctors are the real athletes in this race. And they don't hide it either. I'm waiting for one of them to say, "Nah, nah, nah-nah, nah. My operation went better than yours. Look at that girl's face!"
6. For someone to teach these women to walk in heels. And, yes, I know I'm the pot calling the kettle black. But you don't see me teetering out on TV trying to strut my newly upgraded stuff.

The New Face the Issue Commercial
I wonder if people know how close Halle Berry's PSA hits home for her. It's sadly appropriate.

The Restaurant
Sing it with me now: Corporate eyes (clap-clap) are watching you.

From the guy in the kitchen to the "fun dining" lady on the floor, Jeffrey's minions are making me nervous. But, hey at least intern Drew is through! Finished. Fired. Done. Over. And I couldn't be happier. Jeffrey's little "observer" was a pompous, 20-year-old punk and I'm glad Rocco put him out. He probably saved that boy's life, too, because, for a second, I thought Mama was going to hurt an intern. Shoot. When he said the orange-juice machine and the statue of the Virgin Mary "have to go" — like he was running the yard — and then called Rocco "Captain Douchebag," even I wanted to pick up a meat cleaver.

Speaking of Rocco: Too bad Mr. I-Feel-Like-a-Stranger-in-My-Own-Restaurant couldn't man up and handle the rest of his business. Sure it's easy to fire the intern. But can you balance the books? Or can you stop pinching food off customers' plates? Did you catch that, too? Oh the melodrama. About 24 minutes into the show, Rocco finally sneaks into his restaurant, runs to the kitchen and taste-tests the food by eating off of someone's plate — with his unwashed hands! (It needed more salt, he determined.) That must be a health-code violation or something.