Fear Factor Whoa. Brian Smith, the dog walker from St. Louis, almost took

Joe Rogan out. Dude spent 20 minutes and 30 seconds eating a large cod sac covered with live ants. And, apparently, that was 30 seconds too long. "You had to have it swallowed by the time it was over," Rogan said. "I'm sorry. You've been eliminated." Dogwalker stood up, smacked the table and said, "No way. I'm not leaving. I just ate that bleep-bleep-bleep!" Ah, man. It was about to be ON. Of course, thanks in part to editing, it didn't happen tonight. But it's coming. Rogan, watch out.T-Mobile commercial Is that Gilmore Girls's Jess Mariano? Dayuum. Guess that's what happens when you leave Stars Hollow — you get tied to a cell phone number and tossed over a wall.The Hebrew HammerQuote of the night: "Shabbat Shalom, muthaf----a!" OK. So, Andy Dick plays Santa's mobbed-up son Damien, who gets the reindeer to off the big guy so he can take out Hanukkah. Adam Goldberg stars as Mordechai Jefferson Carver, the retro-ghetto fabulous "certified circumcised dick" hired by the Jewish Justice League to save the holiday. All right. This "jewsploitation comedy" is so politically incorrect I can't even... don't know where to begi... [Deep breath.] Here's the deal. It's funny. And wrong on many, many, many levels. I mean, who is this writer/director, Jonathan Kesselman? Seriously. 'Cause that boy needs Jesus. (And I mean that in a loving — not anti-Semitic — way.)Average Joe: The FinaleMelana sent Adam to the bus. The BUS. Yeah. Girlfriend is out of her mind. You've got to give me a moment. I'm trying to make sense of this. 1.) Adam is a tall, charming, smart, fun, well-off Wall Street trader who runs his own business. Sure, he tries too hard. (The personalized menu and Pretty In Pink-themed gifts were a bit much.) But he's only 27. And he's totally trainable. Like a puppy. 2.) Jason is fine. Like, movie-star fine. But he's also a 26-year-old college student/waiter still living at home and traveling with what looks like his mommy's borrowed bags. 3.) They're both good kissers. (Smooches.) Here's my theory. Melana picked Jason because she just wants to ride that pretty pony. And who can blame her? Plus, the hot boy will get you more press every time. But, I think (hope, pray) she really wants to have a friendship with Adam. Hang out with him from time to time. Be adored. That sort of thing. Now, Adam would be crazy to go along with it. But whatever. As an aside, I can't wait for Average Joe 2: Hawaii. (Starts Jan. 5, FYI.) Is that wrong?Battlestar Galactica: Part 1 Guess it really is all about the nookie. Now, I don't remember the first Battlestar series. But, um, was there a lot of important sex in that one, too? Granted, I watched this Sci Fi remake on a preview DVD, sans commercials, but there were four sex scenes in the first 36 minutes. Two of them — both involving the same Cylon vixen — led to the death of billions. Billions. That's all I'm saying.The AMC Project: Malkovich's Mail In the spirit of this engaging documentary about five of the hundreds of people who write John Malkovich — sending scripts, art and requests for used underwear (I'm not kidding) — I've written my own open letter. Dear John, I always thought you were a grumpy thespian. Mad talented, but not very nice. Then I saw this little documentary. The fact that you'd give these creative but god-awful screenplays the Oscar treatment — actually take the time to get in character and respectfully read lines that don't have a snowball's chance in hell of ever seeing the silver screen (is it still silver?)... well, that was the sweetest thing. Of course, I still think you're crazy. But now you're also nice. Sincerely, A weird TV Guide type who watched this AMC Project at 3 a.m. and cried.