Fantasia Barrino says her recent overdose on aspirin and a sleep aid was not an accident.
"I didn't have any fight in me. I didn't care about anything. I just wanted out," Barrino told VH1's Behind the Music. "At that moment, I wanted out. I wanted it to be over with — all of it, all of that [expletive]."
The American Idol winner was hospitalized two weeks ago in what police classified as a suicide attempt.
Fantasia Barrino hospitalized after drug overdose; "heartbroken" over affair allegations
"I just sat in the closet and looked at the mirror and took all the pills in the bottle," Barrino said. "I wanted to go to sleep and just be at peace. I knew exactly what I was doing. You can't accidentally take a whole bottle of pills."Barrino's manager, Brian Dickens, said that he suspected something was wrong when Barrino, who had been "crying all day" texted him, "I love you." He texted her back the same thing."Then it hit me," he said. "I wrote, 'You better not do anything or think about doing anything stupid.' And I left it at that. About 10 minutes later, Fantasia texted me back, and she said, 'Already did.' I went into Fantasia's room and saw her on the floor, and my heart just dropped."Barrino's overdose followed a woman's allegations that the singer engaged in a "covert adulterous affair" with her husband, and that Barrino was to blame for their separation in June. Barrino denied that she was responsible for the marriage ending.
American Idol's Fantasia: Not responsible for breaking up marriage
"When I met him, he was separated," she said. "[He] wasn't living in his home. He didn't want to be back with his wife — that is what I was told. I remember waking up in the hospital [and thinking], 'It didn't work, I'm still here in this hellhole. Still here with all this drama going on.'"Barrino, 26, credits her nurse, Melanie, for saving her life."She ... looked at me and said, 'You gotta get up, and you've gotta get out of here, 'cause you haven't fulfilled your destiny,'" Barrino said. "I realized how people end up in the grave. Because that one moment [snaps her fingers] of just breaking or feeling like I can't, I can't go on, it's too heavy. That was somewhere I don't ever want to go again." Barrino's
Behind the Music
airs at 9/8c on Tuesday, the same day her new album, Back to Me
, hits stores. The second season of her VH1 reality series, Fantasia for Real,
premieres Sept. 19.
Watch a sneak peak of Behind the Music: Fantasia below: