Enterprise, UPN
Hello, boobies. I heard the third season was going to have a new "action-oriented" style, but I didn't think they meant that sort of action. But someone needs to tell the producers that a nearly nekkid rubdown between the alien chick who looks like Hilary Swank in Spock ears and the cute human who looks like Greg Kinnear does not make up for 55 minutes of Scott Bakula frowning over the aliens who evaporated half of Earth. Aliens, mind you, who are about as scary as this dull mess is to its competition. And please, ditch that damn theme song already!

The Reality of Reality, Bravo
Quite possibly the funniest thing on TV tonight. Former reality show stars bitching about not finding big-screen fame after doing basically nothing and we're supposed to feel bad for them? Sorry, Jerri Manthey. When your best work is on Survivor, it's best to just quit now and adopt 12 cats. Then you'll have the captive audience you so crave. Alex Michel, call me. We'll go to Weight Watchers together.

Oh look, E! is planning to profile Carmen Electra's dating life on Love Chain. Is it a mini-series?

Jake 2.0, UPN
I've already spent too much time on this wasteland of a network, but we loved Christopher Gorham on Popular, so what the hey. After 20 minutes of this Bionic Alias Spiderman smoothie, I couldn't help but wonder why he's trying so hard to look like Ethan Hawke. That's not even a good look on Ethan Hawke. Gorham's good, but he needs to fire his agent. That's the problem with so many of these new shows. They all want to be old shows that we'd rather be watching.

Big Brother 4, CBS
Now that Erika's outta there, will someone help this girl get that freakin Juicy sweatsuit dry cleaned and have her roots done? Robert, Jun, Alison, while I appreciate your attempts to act like you were broken up about the eviction, hopefully someone TiVo'd The Reality of Reality tonight, so you can see that none of us will buy you as actors. Some folks may want to buy Alison, but that's another issue.

Paradise Hotel, FOX
Dave is still on this thing?! How in the world has this misfit lasted so long in this den of very hot vipers? Cheers, big ears! Now stay away from that Amy. She trashed Tara but good, so you know there's a catfight brewing. And can we wrap this show up soon, folks? Holly and Scott's bedtime feud over her flirting was starting to veer way too close to "bad touch" territory.

The Family, ABC
You know how they say a fool and his money are soon parted? By the time you read this, million-dollar winner Anthony will be on welfare. How he can live with himself after screwing Cousin Mike out of the win is beyond me. But then again, half his relatives give me night terrors. Good thing he decided to share the wealth, or karma would be treating this punk like a new inmate at Oz. However, I must eat my words. The funniest thing on TV tonight was, by far, watching George Hamilton get choked up as he bid adieu to the people he should try to forget about for the rest of his life. Aunt Donna said it best. "It's finally [bleeping] over." Thank God.