This time of year, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, is as busy as Santa Claus at Christmas. On Saturday she hosts Hollywood's Creepiest Creatures (8 pm/ET on Animal Planet) and Elvira's Movies to Die For marathon (from noon until 10 pm on Lifetime). Then, on Halloween, she's back at it, scaring up more cheap thrills for Lifetime (from 11 am/ET until 9 pm) and introducing a scream-queen-themed episode of The E! True Hollywood Story (8 pm). Yet unlike press-shy Kris Kringle, Elvira's real-life alter ego, funny lady Cassandra Peterson, always makes time for her admirers. Heck, she even agreed to channel her vampy, campy counterpart to answer TV Guide Online's Seven (Frightfully) Silly Questions. So be afraid... be very afraid.

TV Guide Online: Have you ever tried to get the Dark to make an honest woman of you — you know, so you could be, like, Wife of the Dark instead of just the mistress?
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark:
No. Obviously, darling, you've never been Mistress of the Dark.

TVGO: Um, no. But we dated briefly in college. Anyway, since the Dark doesn't scare you, what does — Karen Black without makeup? Small rooms containing grabby network executives? Curvaceous figures going out of style?
Elvira:
Only answering questions like these.

TVGO: I've heard that brown is the new black. Will you be adjusting your wardrobe accordingly?
Elvira:
I'll stick with black until they come up with a darker color.

TVGO: When you watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, did you root for the Chosen One or the bloodsuckers she staked?
Elvira:
Neither. I think they both sucked. Get it? Vampires? Sucked? (Laughter, followed by dead silence) Never mind.

TVGO: Moving right along... On America's Next Top Model, the wannabe cover girls always flip when posing with animals. Can you offer any tips on sitting still with, say, a tarantula crawling across your chest?
Elvira:
Yes — just be thankful they have eight legs. They're much less dangerous than creatures of the two-legged variety.

TVGO: Which is creepier — the idea of Bill O'Reilly having phone sex... or the idea of Bill O'Reilly having sex, period?
Elvira:
Now you're even scaring me!

TVGO: Hey, that doesn't count as an answer. You're getting an extra question, missy! If Movie Macabre were still on the air, what film would you have saved to freak people out on Oct. 31 — Gigli, Glitter or Showgirls?
Elvira:
All three are frightening, I agree. But for something really horrifying, try watching the 2004 presidential campaign coverage.

TVGO: I just got a chill. What do you do with your, um, "pumpkins" when Halloween season is over?
Elvira:
What do you mean "when Halloween is over," darling? For the Mistress of the Dark, every day is Halloween!