Drunk, Jailed and High on Life

OK, that's it. I'm sick of this. Hey, Hollywood, ever heard of a car service? A designated driver? A cab? A better hiding place for your drugs!? Are you so drunk on all that fame and fortune that common sense flashes away with every click of the paparazzi cameras? How many news stories are we going to see about celebrities relocating to jail cells, failing drug tests and paying fines for disappointing incidents? In fact, in the time it takes me to write this blog, some other starlet (or otherwise) is probably being stopped by the police.
Ty Pennington, you've saddened me this week. Even though you strain my ears when you scream through that megaphone on Extreme Makeover, my adoration for your professional drive was confirmed after speaking with you a few months ago. Couldn't you request that the EM:HE bus pick you up after a night of drinking? You don't want to end up like The Hoff, now do you?
Speaking of the hassled ex-lifeguard, I can only hope that videotape will confirm his love for life and keep him from ever entering such a state again. Also, he's completely turned me off to hamburgers, which I'm a little bummed about.
Meanwhile, in the Land of the Young and Untouchable, I was just starting to think that Lindsay Lohan was staying out of trouble, reportedly sipping water while partying, but who am I kidding? It amazes me that one minute she's sharing the screen with Jane Fonda and Felicity Huffman (in Georgia Rule) and the next she's exhibiting suspicious bathroom behavior during a night out. What happened to that bright-eyed redhead I once applauded in The Parent Trap?
Sharing her spotlight - or taking it over completely - is Paris Hilton. And what can I possibly say during all this jail talk and appeal blabber? She may have to call Nicole Richie from a pay phone for 45 days but she's so famous that her first name alone is now representative of her not the City of Lights. Riding in the subway this morning, I saw an ad for a storage company that had a picture of what looked like Hilton's chihuahua wearing a tiara and the slogan said, "Your closet's so shallow, even Paris looks deep." I don't know what else to say. No wonder she shows up late for court and saunters around like she does.
And most recently, Tom Sizemore was arrested for drug possession. You know, just three bags lying around his car. People, come on!
Now, I know these people don't represent Hollywood as a whole, but let's get back to babies and marriages and the various bad decisions that don't put innocent drivers in danger. Do you all have to shave your heads to turn your lives around? Because if so, I say go for it.