When The Drew Carey Show kicks off its eighth season on Sept. 9, the notoriously silly sitcom is promising some grownup storylines — and that means no improvised musicals! Perhaps most surprising will be Drew's determined search for "an actual wife, life partner, somebody he can spend the rest of his life with," as Carey puts it.

"Once Kate [Christa Miller] gets married and moves on," Carey reveals, "I'm going to go, 'Well, screw her. I can get married, too.' Whenever [next] season's finale is, I'm going to say, 'That's the day I'm going to get married.' And I'm going to spend the whole season looking for somebody to get married to."

Drew's dating strategy sounds to us like an homage to ABC's other foray into matchmaking, The Bachelor. Sadly, Carey flubbed his chance to get Alex Michel's advice on selecting a potential mate. On a recent network publicity tour, Carey found himself stuck in a limo making small talk with several of his ABC colleagues, including Jim Belushi and Drew co-star Kathy Kinney. "And I go, 'The Bachelor, can you believe this f---ing guy?'" he recalls. "'Twenty-five women to choose from, all of them really smart and educated, and who does he pick for the last two? The two blondes with the biggest t--s.'

"I'm going on and on... [and] the guy next to me goes, 'Actually, that's not exactly how it happened.' [Michel] was sitting right next to me the whole time, and I swear to God, I thought he was Jim Belushi's agent, because he looked like an agent to me! I just said, 'I'm sorry.' Actually, I didn't see any of the [Bachelor] shows, so I didn't recognize him... But I didn't back down."

And lest Drew fans worry that a happily ever after is about to ruin the show's cynical edge, Carey assures us that his alter ego will probably end up like Michel — who reportedly is no longer dating "winner" Amanda Marsh. "Drew can't find happiness," he says adamantly. "Neither can Ziggy."