Scarlett Johansson by Jon Furniss/ WireImage.com Scarlett Johansson by Jon Furniss/ WireImage.com

Scarlett Johansson is auctioning off a date with her to the premiere of her film He's Just Not That Into You to benefit UNICEF. At press time, bids were up to $700, but if she only knew what I had planned for us, no mere dollar amount could prevent us from being together.

5:45 pm: Romantic champagne toast at sunset atop the Empire State Building. Just so you know, I'll be drinking apple cider, since I can't partake since that bartender with a chip on his shoulder overserved me. But isn't this ankle bracelet hip? Also: I'm afraid of heights.

6:00 pm: Limo ride to the premiere. I promise to try to maintain unbroken eye contact with you at all times. You will never have to say, "Eyes up here, Mister," like my dental hygienist does. She's a card!

6:30 pm: Walk the red carpet. I will bring my tazer just in case anyone gets too close to us. Yes, even your publicist! I will also hold your hand - for security purposes.

6:40 pm: I will introduce myself to E!'s Giuliana DePandi as "Scarlett's fiancé." When you scowl, I'll say, "Oh, sorry, you didn't want to announce it yet, did you?"

6:45 pm: I might try the yawn-stretch-and-embrace move on you during the movie, but I will totally just be kidding and we'll laugh about it later.

9:10 pm: I thought it would be "fun" to eat hot dogs while hanging out the limo's moon roof and driving by my friends' houses and waving and taking pictures with them. It'll kind of be like Sixteen Candles, except I totally won't chop your hair off or drug you. Unless you're into that!

10:30 pm: After-dinner drinks back at my place. You like Jägermeister, yes? I know! Who doesn't? We have so much in common. Make-out sesh. (Optional.)

11:00 pm: When you mention that my auction prize also includes a handwritten note, I'll say: "Just leave it on your pillow when you leave in the morning," and you'll think that's roguish and charming, and it'll be all you can do to restrain yourself.

10:00 am: We'll sleep in. Then we'll call Giuliana and announce our real engagement!

Isn't forever better than a few lousy hundred dollars? - Mickey O'Connor