Deceit
Marlo Thomas as a suburban wife who maybe — maybe not — killed her rich husband... Oh, yeah, the Lifetime movie is making a comeback, y'all. She's Too Young, which aired a few weeks ago, blew me away. That's why I'm taping this. I gotta go watch a soap — I mean, telenovela. But I'll be back.

Prisionera
Daniel esta con otra! And his crazy girlfriend's not going to leave the lobby until he comes back with that cheating hussy. Watch out now! To make sure I was getting the words right I turned the caption box on during the premiere of Telemundo's new soap The Prisoner and it gave me subtitles — in English! What? Thank goodness I didn't have this option all those years ago when I learned melodramatic Spanish from watching Alcanzar Una Estrella and Mar&#237a Mercedes. Otherwise I would never know phrases like "bueno para nada sin verguenza" (Translation: good for nothing, shameless thug.)
Whoa. Wait a minute. I just changed over to Univision. The captions here are in Spanish, like normal. Hmmmm. Telemundo: English. Univision: Spanish. I wonder if the captions are in English on Telemundo because it's now in the NBC family... malditos yanqu&#237s.

Cracking Up
Jack Black is not a normal man. Earlier this season he played a crazy doctor on Will & Grace. Now he's playing a born-again recovering drug addict who's trying to scare the Shackleton kids straight — a little too convincingly. Yeah. I love that little man. But he really scares me sometimes. Seriously. He is not OK.

But back to Prisionera...
The English subtitles thing fascinates me. Why English? Why now? I mean, I actually want the Spanish text. And, if I were a deaf telenovela fan, wouldn't I need the Spanish words? It says the captions are provided by viacommunications.com. I'm going to the source. And... The site crashes my computer. Great. These people are going to make me call them tomorrow.

Las Vegas
Quote of the night: "Don't just stand there. Let me see your Neon Clap!" a Nazi cheerleading coach yells at the captain of her squad who, with tears in her eyes, smiles and claps like a seal. Classic.

Advertiser Cover Girl True Blend knows who's watching this show (women like myself) and why (for Josh Duhamel) — 'cause it's sure not for the plots. Tonight's episode just might be the stupidest ever. There's a cheerleading competition at the Montecito Resort and Casino (It's Nevada. These things happen), and Mary's having high-school-flashback trauma with one of the coaches, who apparently tortured her back in the day. Meanwhile, Sam's being stalked by an escaped murderer who wants her to lead him to some silver her former ex-con roommate buried in the desert. Whatever, people. Just bring on Josh.

Average Joe: Adam Returns
Adam kept Jennifer Lifshitz! And don't act like you weren't shocked at that, too. That bug-eyed girl has "over enthusiastic stalker" written all over her pink flip-flops and you know it. I mean, something's just not right with her. She's not as off as American Idol's William Hung, but still, something does not compute. Maybe it's in her manic smile or her too intense gaze. Maybe she was just very, very nervous. I don't know. But warning bells were going off all over. Adam, be careful!
Other things of note about that episode:
1. Dennis did not really need to bring the hula-hoops to help pick the women.
2. Producers had some nerve sending the fat boys to pick the hotties. Seriously.
3. Having Jason dress up like a drag queen was more than unnecessary. It was wrong. "This is about the dumbest thing I've ever done," he said. And I concur.
4. To wrap it up, here's why I think Adam axed the women he did. Elizabeth Wood — "not Woods": was too creepily aggressive and, ladies, forgive me for saying this, too old; Sarah Stone: was too bland — even though she uncharacteristically channeled her inner Eminem every once in a while. (She actually used the phrases "school him" and "I was trying hard not to be totally up in his grill."); Jennifer Bolkin: Adam mistook her I'm-your-biggest-fan eagerness and aggression for stalker tendencies. And Rebecca Butler, a.k.a. the e-harmony perfect-match girl: Ironically, she wasn't enough of an I'm-here-for-you cheerleader type. Too bad.

Cristina
I had to watch tonight's exclusive interview with Dayanara TorresMarc Anthony's ex-ex-wife. (They got married twice. Long story.) For those who don't know all the particulars, let's just say I heard Marc supposedly cheated on Dayanara — a singer-model-former Miss Universe — many times. Some of those times being — allegedly — with Jennifer Lopez, another with a barely 18-year-old girl, another with a woman who claimed she was carrying his baby (turns out it wasn't his kid). Whatever, whatever.

Ok. Here's why tonight's episode was worth me missing the Christena-Mallory episode of Real World Road Rules: The Inferno. Because Cristina, who's friends with both Marc and Dayanara, still asked the hard questions and she took sides. ("Marc grow up!" she said.) Oprah, who is my girl, would have softballed this interview, for sure. But Cristina kept putting Dayanara on the spot, calling her on the mistakes she made in the relationship and she almost made the beauty queen cry when she asked if she still loved Marc and if she thought Marc loved her. The money question, of course was, whether she believes that Marc really cheated on her with J.Lo. Dayanara's response was safe, of course. "If the rumors are true, then this would be the lowest blow I could get from him," she said. Right. Girlfriend's not crazy. She didn't bad-mouth him because she needs that big child-support check. But still, it was important that Cristina asked. And it made for good talk-show TV.

And back to Deceit...
Sorry Marlo. I meant to watch this one. I really did. I taped it and everything. But Cristina took it out of me. If Marc could cheat on a full-package beauty queen, what hope do the rest of us have? And I crashed after 23 minutes. I'll catch up with you this weekend.