Daniel's Olympics Crush of the Night
Last week, I was mad for swimmer Michael Phelps. But my fickle heart has already moved on... to Kazakhstan's track-and-field stud Dimitriy Karpov. He only earned the bronze medal in the men's decathlon, but this dude looked so good hurling a discus, he wins a gold star from me!

Big Brother 5
So Nakomis (the Goth Girl formerly known as Jennifer) was wearing a camouflage trucker cap that — combined with the pink hair and her ratty wardrobe — made her look deeply ridiculous. Miss Head of Household was also on the warpath because Will the gay guy was evicted last week. Strange how Adria and Natalie compared Will's influence on his loyal housemates to that of Charles Manson over his murderous cult followers. That comment was idiotic and in very poor taste. Honestly, I can't tell which twin said it, but the other agreed — and these ignorant sisters appear to be splitting one lame brain between them anyway, so it hardly matters.

Speaking of stupidity, the spider-web challenge was classic Big Brother. Once the housemates had gathered their letter balls together, they took a bit too long to correctly spell the word Internet. So sad. Good thing Amazon.com sells more than books these days. Otherwise, that 14-item shopping spree they won might've gone unused!

Quote of the Night
"I kinda liked everybody for a little while and stuff, and I really hate these people!" — Marvin the mortician, in good spirits after the Amazon.com challenge.

P.S. I hate these people, too — except for funnyman Marvin and Drew, who's dim-witted but hot. (Come Thursday, I'm betting he wins the walk-on role on The Young and the Restless. He's the only attractive BB5 cast member left!) But Drew's so-called "girlfriend" Diane is snotty, whiny and has tacky blond highlights. And I'm rooting for Michael (aka Cowboy) to get ousted this week because he's both dumb and ugly, which is truly an unforgivable combo. Yes, I may be cruel sometimes, but I speak the truth.

The Amazing Race
I don't know about you, but I get bored and start doing my bills when the racers are fretting over taxicabs and airline flights. (My idea of riveting TV is not watching Chip worry about shortchanging his cabbie, OK?) I much prefer the action stuff like this week's sand-dune driving and skydiving. I also rather liked the idea of Colin ending up stashed away in a foreign prison! Anger Boy could use some time to cool his heels. But no, he and Christie got to Dubai first and won themselves a Caribbean vacation. Drat. The big disappointment was that Kami and Karli finished in last place, but the twins didn't get booted because this was a non-elimination leg. Grrr... I think they ought to be penalized just for spelling their names with an i on the end. They're so cutesy, I could smack 'em. But don't mind my hostility, I'm totally PMS-ing and just need some chocolate. (Yes, men do too PMS. Especially this one.)

K-Y Warming UltraGel I know The Amazing Race is a 10 o'clock show here in the Pacific Time Zone, but it's still a family show. Should CBS be advertising this "warming liquid" for use in couples' most intimate activities here? That husband leering over the newspaper at his wife always creeps me out! And speaking of not-ready-for-prime-time naughtiness....

Nip/Tuck
Another week, another trashy twist of fate for Dr. Sean McNamara. He's getting almost incestuously involved in pal Christian Troy's sex life, isn't he? As if it's not weird enough that both plastic surgeons have been intimate with Julia (hence Matt's paternity issue), they just had that three-way with the hooker last week. Now, Sean's hooking up with Christian's slutty ex, Kimber, who has become a porn star. Worse yet, Sean took Kimber's sex doll for a test drive before trying the real thing. Ewww.... Of course, as soon as Kimber brought that doll into the office (wanting the docs to "enhance" its nether regions), you knew that something X-rated was in store.

Still, the feverish fantasies Sean projected onto the doll were strange, shuttling between images of raping Julia and ravaging Kimber. Meanwhile, there was that creep Julia met in the hotel bar who had that scary sex toy of his own. (And if you didn't see that part, I am far too much of a gentleman to recap for you.) Sheesh! It's all so pervy, I'm thinking of installing a V-chip in my TV. Nah, just kidding. On the bright side, Dylan Walsh may have a wacko story line, but he at least has a cuter tush than Julian McMahon, whose backside I've tired of lookin' at anyway.

P.S. I completely forgot the McNamaras had a daughter, Annie! Like most soap-opera children, the blond moppet vanishes off screen for ages. I guess her parents and older brother Matt are too busy negotiating their dysfunctional sexual adventures to leave little orphan Annie much screen time.