It's Latin night on Dancing with the Stars! Who veni'd? Who vidi'd? Who vici'd on this celebration of the dead language?
Hold on, I'm being told it's Latin night, not Latin night. Gotcha. That makes more sense.
Tonight's episode also marked one of Dancing with the Stars' cruelest traditions: making one couple dance even though they've already been eliminated. Yes, we're back to Monday night eliminations as Dancing dips down to one night a week and all your favorite family comedies with specific points of views take over Tuesday nights.
Were Jana and Gleb able to keep the dancefloor from catching fire during their sexy routine (no)? Did Calvin explain why he picked "Hotel California" as a song to dance to on Latin night? Was Bruno able to keep his head from exploding? How many "this night is hot!" jokes did we endure from Tom Bergeron? Will I ever get those minutes I spent watching Pitbull open the show back?
Let's revisit the dances, and you can find out who got sent packing at the end of the story.
The dance: They were tied at the bottom of the pile last week, but they were saved! I'm not saying ABC is purposely keeping him around, but my cat is, and I believe him. Ryan was dressed in his Hi-Liter Halloween costume for this one, a neon yellow top blinding everyone in the building. But it didn't stay on for long as things got spicy and the stage went black light for some trippy visuals of Ryan in some yellow athletic shorts and some body paint. However, it still seems like Ryan is the bachelor at a bachelor party and is being called up on stage at a gentlemen's club because Cheryl is doing a disproportionate amount of work.
What the judges say: Pitbull said a bunch of stuff and then gave them an 8 before he was supposed to. Isn't it great to have dance authority Pitbull on the show? Carrie Ann didn't like the musicality.
Score: 30/40. Pitbull almost gave them a 7 the second time around. What a crackerjack!
The dance: WHOA WHOA WHOA let's first talk about what Sasha can do with a tablecloth (cape?) because that shiz was RAD, he was like a matador fighting 100 little airborne bull-flies! The whole training video was about Sasha trying to make Terra angry, but I'm not sure that's who she is, and the whole routine she looked like she was frightened, a distinct contrast from her natural personality. That's unfortunate since Terra has been really fantastic all season long.
What the judges say: Julianne said this was a little "try hard" and this wasn't the dance for her, and she was right. And pretty much everyone else said the same thing, except for Pitbull of course, who was probably watching Vines on his phone during the dance.
Score: 30/40. Her worst score, but it won't get her kicked off.
The dance: This was the first time I saw Amber dance and it felt totally right! She's had an identity problem this season, bottoming out in that booty dance that was a day-glo disaster, but this was my favorite dance of hers because the whole feel of the routine fit her. She and Maks are coming together, and it's their strength. But what I really like here is how Maks complements her and lets her shine in the spotlight. There's still room to improve with a little more ferocity for Amber, but this was a fun dance.
What the judges say: Julianne wanted Amber to grab her legs and smack Maks around. But the only judge you needed to hear from was this guy in the audience:
Score: 28/40, shows what I know about dancing! I would have given her an 8.
The dance: Sexiness isn't exactly a Canadian export, and James by admission says he isn't a sexy person (though many surprised housewives out there would disagree). And I'll agree here, but dagnabbit the man has such amazing control of his balance and legs that he pulls off the steps splendidly even if he can't sell the emotion. James and Sharna are on top of the leaderboard, and that's no longer in consideration to be a fluke. He's legit.
What the judges say: Pitbull basically just says any word with an R and rolls it as commentary. What is he doing here? Julianne says James is the best male dancer they've ever had on the show, but he and Sharna need more chemistry. The audience booed. What the heck is wrong with you, audience? You'd probably boo Santa Claus. Go back to Philadelphia and go to an Eagles game.
Score: 38/40, another spectacular round for the race car driver. See you in the finals, James.
The dance: A very Latin-y fun dance from the Taxi star, and Marilu is still riding high from last week's breakthrough performance because she was beaming out there. She could punctuate her steps from those impressive stems a tiny bit more, but the Derek-Marilu chemistry is really, really strong and they're fun to watch. This felt like a "let's just make it to next week" dance, and they pulled it off well. Also, have you noticed that Ryan Lochte never claps for the other contestants?
What the judges say: Pitbull said "Que rrrrrrico" and then said he was impressed. Great critique!
Score: 34/40, a good score considering I'm not sure this style is Marilu's bread and butter.
The dance: Well the dance started with Jana writhing around on satin sheets, so... I liked it! Ummm, and then at one point they both walked into a SHOWER THAT WAS ON THE STAGE. And then they hugged under the shower and hoo boy. Cigarettes for all. I know I gave them a hard time for going too sexy early on, but maybe that's their thing and they should stick to it because that was something else.
Me after that dance:
What the judges say: "NOW THAT IS CHEMISTRYYYYYYY!" - Julianne. Bruno became a post-orgasm gorilla up there. Pitbull took his jacket off and asked Jana to take her dress off. Cool dude.
Score: 40/40. Perfect score with 10s all around! Sex sells, people. Are they really not together yet?
The dance: You can always tell when Maureen isn't totally confident in her routine because she wears her emotions on her sleeve, pants, shoes and it spills out in a 30-foot radius around her. The samba is such a festive dance -- and the music so good -- that Maureen's reservations could be felt through the screen, hindering the enjoyment of the routine. She's probably the next to go. The headdress was good though!
What the judges say: Pitbull said she could have let herself go a little more and she did a good job. Julianne loved it and called her a flaming hot flamingo.
Score: 31/40, Pitbull actually gave a 7 and everyone else gave 8s. Guess he wasn't a Brady Bunch fan.
The dance: Calvin made his mark on this competition with his megawatt NFL smile, but here, to be sexy Calvin, he never even showed his teeth. But it worked, and that's impressive for a man who has that big of a physical personality. There were a few lifts in there -- including a double spinner horizontal helicopter (my name for the move) -- where I thought Calvin was going to throw Lindsay into the third row, but he held onto her and it was fantastic. He was in lockstep with her, a great bounce-back routine from the previous week. I hate the song, but Calvin made it worth it.
What the judges say: Julianne loved it, saying that Calvin owned the dance and he was leading the dance, on par with his pro. And Carrie Ann said those were the best lifts she'd seen on the show ever.
Score: 37/40! And then he DESTROYED the piñatathat stars were hitting after receiving their scores.
The dance: Laurie brought some hot emoji fire to her dance, obviously, being a second generation Puerto Rican. This dress was a little more toned down from the "Laurie in a box" routine from last week, which was probably a good move. Let the dance speak for itself. None of these stars have a chance against Laurie if she's on top of her game because no one can move like her. But even when she doesn't have her A-game going, she's still amazing and a lock for the final.
What the judges say: Bruno screamed something and his face went red. Pitbull said she wasn't too young.
Score: 37/40, just more solid dancing from Laurie.
And now it was time for the sad part: It came down to Amber and Maks and Calvin and Lindsay, but in the end, America spoke and Amber and Maks were eliminated. That's the right call, and now we're getting to the part of the season where you don't want to see anyone going home. Maks will be fine, he already announced that he's not returning next season in order to be a full-time dad to his soon-to-be-born daughter.
Dancing with the Stars returns Monday at 8/7c on ABC.