Has it really been months since rugs went uncut on television? Aren't you sick of staring at your boob tube without the wild gesticulations and innuendo of Bruno Tonioli? Can we please get some Carrie Ann Inaba being a stickler for lifts already!?!?
Soon, my friends, soon. Dancing with the Stars is back in less than three weeks, and we're one big step closer to its return now that the Season 24 cast has been announced.
The Season 24 competitors were revealed on Good Morning America Wednesday, and leading the pack are two obvious favorites to win the coveted Mirror Ball trophy: American Olympic gymnast Simone Biles and Glee alum Heather Morris. Biles won the all-around gold at the 2016 Rio Olympics and was a teammate of last season's winner Laurie Hernandez. Is it unfair to include professional gymnasts in this competition, as they're at a clear advantage due to cat-like athleticism and raw strength? Sure. But will you see me complaining about watching them dance instead of someone like, oh, I don't know, this doofus?
Morris may be an even bigger threat to everyone else because she's literally a professional dancer, or at least was at one point in her life. She backup danced for Beyoncé!!! She's also paired with pro favorite, returning dancer and new dad Maksim Chmerkovskiy. And she can do things like this without breaking a sweat:
If awkwardly working out in exotic locales just to mug for the camera was a dance, then current Bachelor star Nick Viall would be a frontrunner. But his inclusion in Season 24 seems more like the bizarre continuing relationship between Viall and ABC, which is looking less like happenstance and more like some evil contract where Viall sold his free will in exchange for being sculpted into a versatile reality star. Obviously he'll come in second, right?
Ice skaters aren't strangers to DWTS, but usually it's when they're current skaters. Nancy Kerrigan, who was involved in one of the Olympics' craziest controversies, will give dancing a shot at the age of 47. Under no circumstances is anyone allowed to say to her, "Break a leg." Looking at you, Tom Bergeron.
SPOOOOORTS! From the Chicago Cubs, who I hear had a good 2016, retired catcher David Ross — a guy who will never ever have to buy a meal again in Chicago or Boston — will use his squatting skills Monday nights. This is — I believe — the first Major League Baseball player to compete on DWTS, in case you want some trivia. Former fifth-round fantasy football draft pick (if you're desperate) Rashad Jennings will also compete. The running back played for the Jaguars, Raiders and Giants, and now becomes the latest NFL player to participate, and probably one of the least-well known.
At least one of the contestants would have pitied Rick Perry. Mr. T, of The A-Team and 1-800-COLLECT fame, will hopefully hang up his jewelry while he dances or risk strangling his partner. And while we're on potentially comedic routines, Saturday Night Live's Chris Kattan is this season's yukster in need of a career boost. Yes, there is a 100 percent chance that he'll dance to "What Is Love?"
The rest of the stars include Fifth Harmony member Normani Kordei, former pro bull rider (and current male model) Bonner Bolton, living legend and variety show pro Charo, and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Erika Jayne.
Here's how they pair up:
- Bonner Bolton with Sharna Burgess
- Charo with Keo Motsepe
- Chris Kattan with Witney Carson
- David Ross with Lindsay Arnold
- Erika Jayne with Gleb Savchenko
- Heather Morris with Maksim Chmerkovskiy
- Mr. T with Kym Herjavec
- Nancy Kerrigan with Artem Chigvintsev
- Nick Viall with Peta Murgatroyd
- Normani Kordei with Valentin Chmerkovskiy
- Rashad Jennings with Emma Slater
- Simone Biles with Sasha Farber
All in all, a pretty solid cast, I'd say! Who do you think is the frontrunner?
Dancing With the Stars returns Monday, Mar. 20 at 8/7c.