This week TV did its best to impress us. Top Chef and Melrose Place shocked us with left-field developments. Monk's departure was both conclusive and heartfelt. SNL put its cast's prodigious comedy talents on display. And The Biggest Loser proved that changing one's body can change one's life. Welcome to Top Moments: Dressed to Impress Edition.
12. Best Debut: TNT's Men of a Certain Age takes a more dramatic route in its premiere, but Ray Romano & Co. are still good for a few laughs. When Joe (Romano) accidentally runs over a possum, he can't move on until he makes sure the creature is put out of its misery. So he runs over it again. And again. Joe feels great... until he sees the possum get up and walk away in his rearview mirror as he drives away. It's a metaphor, people!
11. Best Bad Guy: Though Top Chef's Kevin (and his beard!) were fan favorites, we had a hunch the win would go to a Voltaggio. But not Michael -- he's evil! Isn't he? After Season 6 villain claimed the prize, something came over him: actual human emotion. He wept like a little girl, but later said in interviews that he was just feeling bad that his brother Bryan didn't win.
10. Unhappiest Ending: After endlessly annoying back-and-forth on Brothers & Sisters, Justin and Rebecca finally lock eyes on the beach in Malibu and prepare to exchange vows. But before they can get to "I do," Kitty, who was hiding the news that her tumor had grown, colllapses on the sand. So much for the honeymoon!
9. Best Breakup: 90210's Annie finally knows that Jasper is a no-good drug dealer, but she's not the only one who knows stuff! After Annie gives Jasper the heave-ho, he reveals, with characteristic smarm/charm that he knows that Annie is the one who hit his homeless uncle with her car — and left him to die.
8. Best Discovery: On Dexter, Trinity proves it isn't impossible to outsmart Dexter when he follows him into the station and discovers he's part of the homicide team. In the nail-biting climax, the two lock eyes. "Hello, Dexter Morgan," says Trinity, reading Dexter's name off his badge.
7. Best Closure: On the Monk series finale, Adrian solves Trudy's murder, gets a new stepdaughter and slowly begins the process of letting go of some of his by-now-charming OCD tics. He wears loose collars, sleeps in the middle of the bed, walks on the beach, and contemplates going to the movies. Even his coffee table is no longer askew (the way Trudy liked it). But just as we prepare to exhale a contented sigh at his happily-ever-after, he gives the stove one last check before leaving the house — a direct echo of the pilot episode.
6. Most Uncomfortable Exchange: On her 10 Most Fascinating People special, Barbara Walters, never one to shy away from a tough question, asks Lady Gaga if she's bisexual. The normally bombastic pop star stammers through a non-answer before Sgt. Babs brings it home: "Do you have sex with women?" Gaga admits that she has, and her shy discomfort at Walters' sneak attack is actually... refreshing?
5. Trashiest Goodbye: Dumped by her married boyfriend at a bar, Jersey Shore drama queen Angelina refuses to work the next morning at her job selling T-shirts. The shirt shop's owner — also her landlord — says she can't live at his house for free. He does this through a door, since she won't come out of the bathroom. All this is just the setup for one of those subtle, recorded-without-comment moments that makes Jersey Shore the tanning-greased masterpiece it is: When Angelina quits the show in protest, she carries her things out of the house in Hefty bags.
4. Worst Revelation: Melrose Place wraps up its murder mystery with a left-field conclusion that has neither narrative style nor plot weight: Michael's jealous wife, Vanessa, killed Sydney. When she finds out, Violet kills Vanessa in an anticlimactic struggle that ends with Vanessa doing a similar dead-man's float in the pool. The only interesting development is that Amanda witnesses the whole thing, and corroborates Violet's self-defense claim to the cops. What's her angle?
3. Best, Well, We're Not Sure: Stop me if you've heard this one before. A Southern-fried country gentleman walks into NASA to apply for a job and, when his interviewer leaves the room, steals a potato chip. (Pause for laughter.) On Saturday Night Live, the eminently talented Jason Sudeikis and Will Forte take this aggressively unfunny humorous premise and somehow, with the aid of Blake Lively, a hemorrhoid donut, regurgitation and an off-kilter pronunciation of the word "potato," leave us on the floor.
2. Best Kiss: We can't say we didn't expect it (thanks for the telegraphing, Glee writers!), but when Will finally planted one on Emma, America squealed with delight. One question: Will "My Life Would Suck Without You" be their wedding song?
1. Best Loser: The Biggest Loser finale is always an emotional night, but for Alexandra, it's especially moving. The first-week evictee celebrates her loss — 91 pounds — and the fiancé she's gained. Midway through the live show, Alexandra's boyfriend, fellow competitor Antoine, gets down on one knee and says, "I've accomplished the impossible in my life because you were by my side. And now we're going to be able to live our lives together forever if you'd accept this ring." Win.