The Biggest Loser
So that scheming, doughnut-loving smart aleck Ryan Benson is The Biggest Loser. Darn, I was rooting for Gary Deckman! Ryan did hustle hard toward his goal, though, both in his arduous workouts and his savvy votes. He won points with me for betraying his alliance with Lisa Andreone. That nasty bee-yatch! He also wins points for having such a sweet wife; I oohed and aahed right along with Mrs. Benson when Ryan showed how his watch and wedding ring fit so loosely now. I also felt for her, because it's hard when you love someone with low self-esteem, isn't it? But don't let me go off on one of my Dr. Phil digressions.... The evening's most shocking revelation was not the winner, but this: Who knew my man Gary as a youngster was a dead ringer for James Franco?! Now I understand how he scored such a hot wife. Nice going, Gar.
I just can't look at Veronica's daddy (Enrico Colantoni) without thinking of him as Elliott on Just Shoot Me! This week's episode had Veronica being framed for something by a wicked clique of highjack boys. Sorry, I tried, but Amazing Race is on and I can't invest in this right now. Please stop with the e-mails chastising me for not watching Mars more, people. I know some of you feel she's the second coming of Buffy. I don't really agree, but that doesn't make me Hitler, OK? So chill. And by the way, when you're having a bad day and decide to vent by composing a venomous note to me and my Watercooler pals, I'd like you to stop before hitting "send" and imagine that your mom, sister, best friend or an actual human being is on the other end. 'Cause there is. So if you can't be civil, back away from the keyboard. We're only talking about TV here. For real.
The Amazing Race
Gawd, I hate these episodes where Phil Keoghan surprises us at the end by informing the Racers that they just ran a non-Philimination leg. They've still got agony in the feet Hayden and Aaron looked tuckered out in last place but where's the agony of defeat? Reality TV is the modern-day Roman Colosseum. Dammit, we want to taste blood, and our thirst must be slaked! We want to see the strong survive and the weak eaten alive! But mainly, we need our heads examined and meds prescribed for even caring this much! I'm taking a deep, cleansing breath.... And now, some random thoughts:
1. Wow! Hayden and Aaron competing to be Race's most Amazingly annoying couple. True confession time: I don't know how to drive stick, either, Hayden. But that's no excuse to dump on Aaron (whom you are not even pretty enough to be dating, PS).
2. That said, Aaron's gonna need to be slapped if he refers to himself, Hayden, Freddy and Kendra as "The Model Alliance" just once more. Ick. By the way, Aaron, your tattoo with the Superman symbol is hot, and I've seen it on lots of guys but you're the only straight one so far. Hmm...
3. Props to Adam and Rebecca for (temporarily) getting along better, braving that silly diving challenge and reaching first place. But do you think she'll really go on that Caribbean vacation with My Favorite Martian? I don't, after catching that tearful sneak preview of next week's episode.
4. Unlike the other bickering couples, notice how Kendra keeps calling Freddy "baby"? She cheers him on during challenges with cries of "Yes, baby, yes!" You just know that's how she talks to him in bed.
5. How cute was Kendra's enthusiasm during the I Love Lucy grape-stomping Roadblock? On the other hand, Victoria was berating Jonathan for once on this one, instead of the other way 'round. Paging a marriage and family therapist, stat!
Law & Order: SVU
That normal-looking high school lacrosse player is the one who molested the poor little fourth-grade girl? Yikes! When Chris Meloni delivered that racy line to the prison-bound creep "They're gonna rip your cherry ass apart" I could've sworn he was back on HBO's Oz. Brrr! Gives me the chills.
Sipowicz passed the sergeant's exam. Yay! I knew he would, but I still got excited for him. Meanwhile, Mark-Paul Gosselaar's John asked out the new brunet. Maybe he's finally getting over his crazy dead ex-girlfriend? Please, Lord, I hope so.
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Oooh... Intriguingly, Queer Eye starts off its second season with an episode that's socially subversive, but in a benevolent way. Even though Carson jokingly reminds us of the military's anti-gay policy, that doesn't stop the Fab Five from sprucing up a soldier's home before he's shipped off to Iraq. They also throw him a proper, legal wedding something else that's forbidden to gay folks. Is there some interesting subtext going on here, or am I trying way too hard to find deep meaning in a makeover show?
Wasn't it hilarious how they had Pvt. Ray Steele do all his shopping around Manhattan in his desert camouflage fatigues? Guess that's to make sure any channel-flipping latecomers would definitely know that ding, ding, ding! this week's straight guy's in the Army.
PS Uh-oh! I spied some opposite-sex love in da Queer hizzle. At the day spa, Kyan (whose new, shorter haircut is very cute) spared Ray an unmanly mani-pedi and sprung a surprise on him: a romantic rose-petal bath with his Colombian bride, Maria. What a sweetheart she is. But wouldn't it have been funnier if Jai were waiting for Ray in the tub instead? (I know, I'm wacko. But the look on his face would've been priceless!)
Queer Eye for the Straight Girl
I'm confused. If Wednesday night is this spin-off's series premiere, but the first-ever episode aired tonight after Straight Guy, then how's Wednesday the "premiere"? Oh well, whatever. I was hooked as soon as Robbie dressed up in the black frock and wig he found in Rebekah's closet he looked just like the ghoul girl from The Ring! He also seems determined to out-Carson Carson with the campy antics. (By the way, if you're wondering where you've seen Robbie before, read today's Insider.) Meanwhile, Danny won me over by stripping down to his skivvies and jumping into the pool. A desperate plea for attention, yes. Did we mind? No. And Damon amused me by turning everything like Honey innocently picking up the Atari joystick into something dirty. I'd totally watch the Fab Four 'scuse me, I mean the Gal Pals anytime, even though I have no real need for tips on buying the perfect evening bag. Unless I start doin' the drag thing, like Robbie. Hey, it's a new year, anything could happen.