In discussing "our new Michael Jackson," as he calls her, Dr. Drew Pinsky tells Us that the singer is such a freakazoid today because of "how her father treated her. It's the divorce, and it's the genetics." Translation: Because her pop had a substance-abuse problem, she was always much likelier than a random person to develop one.

"I've never treated an addict that didn't have a family history of the disease," the doc claims. "You have to inherit it from somewhere." Furthermore, he's 100 percent comfy discussing Spears as a druggie even though she's yet to be busted for squat. "We know that she is a drug addict because she's been admitted to a treatment center," he reckons. "You can't be admitted unless you've met criteria for addiction. If you go to a psychiatric hospital for post-partum depression, you go to the psychiatric hospital, you don't go to the chemical dependency program. She is a drug addict. It is an indisputable point." Well, alrightee then. - Ben Katner