Although Britney Spears is still the unconquerable Princess of Pop, there's no doubt that the height of her reign took place in the late '90s and early aughts, especially once she and then-*NYSNC frontman Justin Timberlake debuted as a pop culture power couple in all their matching denim glory at the 2001 American Music Awards.
Lifetime's Britney Ever After biopic debuted on Saturday night, and while there was plenty to be seen of Spears' young rise and spectacular, head-shaving fall circa 2007, a lot of the focus of the TV movie was on the starlet's much-fussed romance with Timberlake. And thanks to some ridiculous perm curls and excessive use of the word "girl" (and here we thought that was Ryan Gosling's thing), he came off as more of a cartoon than a nostalgic vision of the "Cry Me a River" crooner we've all known and loved for so long.
In fact, the sheer volume of cheese that went into these two becoming such a high-profile item, at least in this embellished iteration, is enough to possibly derail even the most ardent of Justney fiends.
Here are some of the most bonkers Justin and Britney quotes and moments from Britney Ever After.
1. When he first tried to flirt with the fake call trick.
Poor Reg Jones. He never stood a chance. Once BritBrit's "Baby More One More Time" hit the airwaves — and music video stations — her relationship with her childhood boyfriend was already a thing of the past, even if he did try to join her on her early tour stops and endure her parents shunning him at every turn.
Needless to say, when JT, her old Mickey Mouse Club alum in the flesh, started showing her some attention it was already "Reg Who?" from the word "girl." Even so, Justin took some interesting steps to impress his new lady, including having this fake phone call with himself as a pep talk for her performance: "She straight buggin'... He wants to know if you aware that you are, in fact, the bomb diggity."
He then proceeds to tell her, "'Sup girl, you got this girl, don't just break a leg, break everything."
2. His birthday salutations.
Apparently, Justin wrangled the whole *NSYNC crew together to throw Britney a surprise birthday party which would seal the deal on their budding romance, and it was then that Britney got to utter this majestic pun: "Someone bust out the crackers 'cause Joey's bringing the cheese."
The best-worst part was Justin's big speech after her a capella birthday melody, when he said, with all the trappings of sweetness you might expect from a man trying to woo the woman of his dreams, "You're one year older, girl."
3. The nicknames.
After the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards, Justin and Britney were still hiding their romance so they had to take their congratulatory hug and smooch sessions backstage. Following Britney's performance of "Satisfaction," Timberlake gives her a ring that only fits on her pinky, so he decides to nickname her that: "Pinky." To match, she calls him "Stinky."
Justin: I'm just gonna call you Pinky then, Pinky.
Britney: I'm gonna call you my Stinky then. I want everyone to know you're my Stinky.
Yes, this is a real thing that actually happened. The two would later confirm their odd nicknames for one another by showing up in a pair of basketball jerseys with the monikers proudly displayed on the backs.
4. The parlance.
If Justin Timberlake wasn't actually a caricatured version of every '90s cliche known to man, Britney Ever After made some serious departures from reality. Because his turns of phrase, like "Every bomb castle's got a fly moat, feel me?" and his phone message that read simply, "'Sup this is me do what you do after the [beep]" were the definition of kitsch.
Consider this pickup line he uses when he pays her a visit:
Britney: Is this a hold up?
Justin: Because I'm about to rob you... Of your heart.
5. The dance-off.
A revenge dance-off? That's like the climax of every early 2000s dance flick cliche, and we'll just choose to believe that one really happened.