Big Brother 5
Just when I thought that this show couldn't get more appalling, I'm rendered speechless again when we are presented with footage of Michael's birth father watching the son he never knew he had realize that Jennifer/Nakomis is his half-sister. CBS, how low can you go? That's a rhetorical question, not a dare.

Anyway... Mike the commercial painter from Michigan got the boot by a unanimous vote apparently orchestrated by the Four Horsemen (Jase, Scott, Drew and Michael). Was there ever any doubt he'd get picked over Jennifer/Nakomis? Sure, she's a little weird-looking but she's Michael's long-lost sister. As long as the other three FHs deign to keep the cowboy around, I predict she'll be safe — no matter what color her hair happens to be that week. (So far, I'm partial to the green; it brings out her eyes.)

But back to Mike for a second, who aptly summed up his experience in the BB compound: "I'm sad I'm leaving with no money but you can't spend it from the psych ward."

Pepsi Smash
I'm only popping in for a moment (God forbid I miss any BB5 mayhem) but I hope this band Seether is paying royalties to Veruca Salt — who I'm sure are doing the same to the estate of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory's Roald Dahl — for borrowing the title of one of that band's best songs for the name of their group:

"The Seether is neither loose nor tight
The Seether is neither black nor white...
Can't fight the Seether
Can't fight the Seether (Seether)..."
Oh, what happened to chicks who rock?

Kingdom Hospital
Time of death: 21:59. DNR. RIP.

I Love the '90s
It's kind of hard for me to be nostalgic about 1996, not only because it was my first year in the "real world" after graduating from college, but also because of the dismal theatrical offerings of that summer, three of which became monster box-office smashes despite their obvious mediocrity. First there was Twister, that painfully cheesy tornado-chasing flick starring Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. Sure, Hunt went on to win an Oscar a few years later (before dropping off the face of the Earth), but I guarantee you Paxton's most memorable role will be that pile of excrement in Weird Science. Then there's Independence Day. Kick-ass special effects aside, I don't know which was harder to swallow: Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum battling aliens that are trying to conquer Earth or the ever-wooden Bill Pullman's "inspirational" presidential address. But last and certainly not least, there that little Tom Cruise-Cameron Crowe disaster Jerry Maguire, which we have to thank (or in my mind blame) for adding dreadfully sappy lines like "You had me at hello" and "You complete me" to the American lexicon. And don't even get me started on that dialogue-enhanced radio version of that incredibly insipid "Secret Garden" song by Bruce Springsteen — it was bad enough on its own.

Kevin and Drew Unleashed
These former Amazing Racers are amusing, kind of like a Staten Island Abbott and Costello, and tonight's spa antics were pretty funny. I especially enjoyed watching them teach water aerobics, when one of them described that a particular exercise move was "like you're shopping at Nordstrom and you're taking something off the rack." I also chuckled when Kevin called Drew a "chalupa" as he wrapped his buddy in foil during a mud bath. But things took a turn when Kevin assaulted Drew's senses with his... um... bodily functions while the two were in the cab of their motor home.

Celebrity Poker Showdown
You wouldn't know it from my crappy cell phone reception, but who knew that Cingular Wireless was so powerful it could kill a series? The company reportedly withdrew its sponsorship after execs decided that they didn't want to endorse a program featuring guests making crude jokes and drinking alcohol on camera. Not even the obnoxious Penn Jillette, who I believe doesn't drink anyway, could save tonight's snoozefest of a tournament. Kathy Griffin — who looks amazing — was surprisingly subdued, Ron Livingston and Jeff Gordon were practically mute, and not even onetime Rat Pack babe Angie Dickinson could ignite any real sparks. Maybe they can hide a secret stash of booze on the set like host Dave Foley, who again is the winner of the Tasteless Joke of the Night award:

J. Gordon (to Dickinson): You haven't ridden in a race car with me.Foley: Or Jason Priestley, thank God.

Primetime Thursday
So let me get this straight. Instead of letting the public believe that he was suffering from a sex addiction, Eric Benet would rather us believe that he consciously cheated on ex-wife Halle Berry because it was so hard living in her shadow as "Mr. Berry." I think Benet himself said it best when he recalled his reaction to learning that Berry's first husband, David Justice, was also suspected of cheating on the actress: "Wow. What an assh---."