Big Brother 18 doesn't premiere for another week, but we got our first look at the 12 new houseguests during their interviews with Jeff Schroeder on CBS All Access. And since first impressions are the most important — and if you haven't/can't watch the chats — here's our snap judgments on all of them.


Most in Need of a Sedative: Bridgette
Bridgette might be the happiest person on Earth. She can barely make it through a sentence with a giggle fit and is too bubbly and chipper for her own good. It's cute at first, but then you're like, "OMG STOP." She's an admitted bad liar who only shows her friends and "mean people" her dark side, so she's either going to be in way over her head and be an easy boot, or float far like Grandma Meg.
Choice Quote: "I don't like it when people are bullies or pick on others or when people are condescending."


Most Likely to Not Be a Real Person: Bronte
Nothing I say here will do Bronte justice. She is a hoot, people. She looks and sounds like she walked out of a cartoon, like one of those woodland creatures a Disney princess befriends. Her voice is perpetually on helium, so you might want to invest in some earplugs. She is also a mathematician who can't do math in her head — which will be hysterical in a numbers comp — but with a pen, paper and calculator, she can "solve an integral like it's nobody's business."
Choice Quote: "9 times 9? [pause] 89."


Most Likely to Be More Bland Than Slop: Corey
Corey is your Nice, Dull White Boy... and not the sharpest tool in the box either. Jeff asks if he's lived with other people and dude literally starts naming his roommates and telling their life stories until Jeff cuts him off, because it was boring AF and that was obviously not the point he was trying to make.
Choice Quote: None because he was so boring.


Most Likely to Cause the Most Drama: Glenn
Glenn is from the "boogie-down Bronx," is a detective-turned-mobile dog groomer and is the first 50-plus-year-old houseguest since Season 10. He's also a Trump supporter.

Game-wise, he could be, as he claims, a "versatile" houseguest-of-a-certain-age and kick ass, or be one of those houseguests who talks a big game and can't back it up.
Choice Quote: "[I have a] fiancée. Beautiful 9-year-old [pause] daughter."


Most Likely to Have a Nervous Breakdown: Jozea
Jozea, a noted Frankie worshipper, is supremely confident, but you can throw him off his game by stealing his food. The last time he cried was when someone stole and ate his rare Puerto Rican fruit from the refrigerator. I imagine it went something like this:




(via)
Choice Quote: "I'm going to be a Spartan."


Most Likely to Be the Villain: Michelle
Michelle looks like a brunette Nicole (which would be hilarious if Nicole, one of the rumored returnees, does come back), but sounds like she has way more game. A superfan and avid Big Brother subreddit poster, she says she won't hesitate to lie and stab people in the back. If the other houseguests don't hate her because of that, they will if she doesn't stop spouting weight facts (she's a nutritionist). Michelle is that person who points out how many calories you're about to put in your mouth.
Choice Quote: "I believe nutrition is definitely the best form of preventative medicine. Two out of three Americans are overweight and one out of three are obese."


Most Likely to Float to the End: Natalie
Natalie is like if Joey and Victoria had a baby. She wants an all-girl alliance (or "allowance") called Team Fuego and is so sweetly dim and naïve that everyone will take advantage of her. I mean, her favorite colors are pink and glitter. GLITTER.
Choice Quote: "I'm super single. Single as a Pringle."


Most Likely to Be a Hipster: Paul
Paul is a beard model IRL, and since it's in the Big Brother bylaws to have a bearded houseguest, he was a shoo-in to be here. He comes off way too cool for school and above it, like he would totally half-ass a comp and judge everyone else for trying. Plus, for a self-professed fan since he was a kid, he "can't imagine a scenario" where he would have to shave his beard. LOL K.
Choice Quote: "I don't like to fill my mind up with thoughts and possibilities and this and that, and get all that riled up."


Most Likely to Give You Cody PTSD: Paulie
Paulie's at least got the right idea and plans to reveal to the house he's Cody's bro right off the bat, mostly because he's got an incriminating tattoo. ("I can't just be like, 'Well, I loved him so much that I got 'Calafiore Brothers' tattooed on my ribs.'") He seems inoffensive, but he wants to emulate Cody's social game and is considering taking a "strong" player over a floater to the final two to "battle it out" for the win. Yeah, because it worked out so well for Cody.
Choice Quote: "At the end of the day, you can always change your image. Look, Tom Brady — he wins, and people hate him, but at the end of the day, he's going home, he's got Gisele — he don't need the social media or any of that stuff."


Most Likely to Give You Vanessa PTSD: Tiffany
Tiffany is Vanessa's sister, but she might as well her clone. If you had blindfolded me and played her interview, I would've thought it was actually Vanessa talking and you were evil and torturing me. It's not just that they have the same voice, but the same cadence and mannerisms too, down to the 19 "um's" in a 10-word sentence and avoiding answering your question by asking a bunch of questions (Jeff: "Who might you know [from] Big Brother?" Tiffany: "Like who I know? Like who I've actually met is what you're asking?"). She might be as smart as Van, but if she's half as paranoid, consider her a pre-jury boot. Not smart? Thinking she can hide the fact that Vanessa's her sister. You look and sound exactly the same. Just be up-front about it! At least she doesn't wear beanies though.
Choice Quote: "I'm gonna try to be a little less emotional."


Most Likely to Spend the Whole Summer Bench-Pressing: Victor
Victor gives off major Austin vibes. He's thinks he's going to dominate all aspects of the game, is a fitness buff (he's a gym manager) and actually says the words "besides my physical attributes" with a straight face. Fingers crossed he doesn't grow a ponybeard and get tuna stuck in it.
Choice Quote: "I feel like I'm the three trifecta package."


Most Likely to Not Be There for the Right Reasons: Zakiyah
Zakiyah could have potential, if only she weren't obsessed with having a showmance. Did she confuse her "B" reality shows and think she was applying for The Bachelor? She says her salty mouth could be downfall. Yeah, especially if you're making out with it too.
Choice Quote: "I'm ready for a showmance. I'm waiting. I'm ready for him."

Big Brother 18 premieres Wednesday, June 22 with a two-hour episode at 8/7c and continues Thursday, June 23 with a one-hour episode at 9/8c on CBS.

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