Bernie Mac
I'm with "Mr. Mac." I betta not walk into a kindergarten class and hear a bunch of 5-year-olds calling the teachers by their first names. And I'm all for "developmental programs." There are just some lines of respect you don't cross. And allowing Baby Girl to address grown-ups as if they were equals is one of them.

Still Standing
In an attempt to teach his son to chill, Bill ends up corrupting a brainy minor by showing Brian that you can just slip by in life without too much effort. Hmmm. I used to not get this show. (Jami Gertz as a mother of three? ) But I get it now. Still Standing is trying to be the new Roseanne — a funny tale of barely blue-collar parents trying to raise their kids right. Well, it's got the ring-around-the-collar crowd right. But when it comes to funny situations... it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. (Yeah, that's me using a little French.)

The UPS Commercial
What can Brown do for me? Oh, I can think of a few things. (Hello, UPS man...) But I made a vow not to talk about that for at least a week.

NTSB: The Crash of Flight 323
OK, I have a confession. I tuned into this made-for-TV flick only because I read an article about how the crash scene is so supposedly gruesome that ABC delayed airing the movie twice. (They thought the post-Sept. 11 American public couldn't handle it.) Yep, I was suckered by the hype. Of course, when that scene didn't happen during the first hour, I got bored and channel-surfed over to Las Vegas, where Big Ed was leaving an extremely made-over Cheryl Ladd in a lurch to help Josh Duhamel catch a bump-and-run thief. Second confession: I sort of forgot to turn back. Darn my short attention span!

Las Vegas
By the time I remembered I was supposed to be watching the more socially relevant NTSB, guest star Mark McGrath had already spoken his first awkward lines and sexy J.D. had discovered that the mysterious good Samaritan who returned the stolen wallet and $9,500 in cash — and refused to accept a reward! — was homeless. So, you see, I was a bit committed to the Vegas thing and I kinda had to hang around to find out if the story line was really as predictable as I thought it would be. Would Ed's wife be planning a musical surprise for him and not cheating on him as he thinks? (Yes). Shoot, if I'd placed a small bet on that, I could have won enough to afford to go back to the real Sin City. Oh, BTW, NTSB stands for the National Transportation Safety Board. I did get that much from the important show.

Everybody Loves Raymond
Another confession: My in-house connect gave me a tape of this episode yesterday afternoon. (Shout out to the big M.R.!) I know, I know, it breaks with Watercooler protocol. But let's be real. If I hadn't gotten the hook-up, I would not have watched this show. I, unlike everyone else, do not love Raymond. But anyway...

So I'm watching the episode in my cubicle and it's freaking hilarious! The episode's all about Robert's crazy-chin-eating technique — or "the monkey move," as his father called it. Everyone in the family becomes obsessed with it and Robert has a big argument with his wife, Debra tries to psychoanalyze him, his parents unintentionally verbally abuse him, etc., etc. One thing after another happens and it all cracked me up — as in old-school LOL. Seriously.

So I'm at my desk, letting out full on calorie-burning, stomach-crunchin' chuckles and my neighbors (who shall remain nameless because I'm mad at them) get annoyed by my laughter. My LAUGHTER. One certain online soaps editor even said, "I can't believe an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond is that funny... Give me the tape. I'll watch it and tell you if it's funny or not."

What, the heck! "OK. So, just because I think it's funny, that means it might not really be funny?" I ask, like, "What's that supposed to mean?" Then they tried to say I have a strange sense of humor. Well, forget them. I loved this obsessive-compulsive episode of ELR. Probably, mostly, because it was low on Ray Romano lines. But whatever. It was funny. Legitimately funny. Because I say so, dammit.

Two and a Half Men
Alan's ex-wife's slutty sister is hitting on him. And to tick Judy off, he's actually considering going for it. Right... What's wrong with people? Seriously. Episodes like this bring out my violent tendencies. I know it's a sitcom, but did the writers really need to toss out this unrealistic plot twist? And while I'm on this line of questioning, doesn't Jake have any friends his own age? I mean, come on now. I know TV scribes have to set some things up just for the sake of comedy. But it was not necessary to have the boy celebrate his 11th birthday by putting on a lame magic show for his adult relatives and his uncle's stalker. Not only was it not necessary, it was not healthy. I'm just saying...

Average Joe: Adam Returns
Don't act surprised. Y'all knew I'd have more than a few thoughts on this.
1. So Adam invites Rachel Goetz — the second-grade teacher who was a bit trashed the first time he met her — to go on his first solo date. Nice. And I mean that. They make a cute couple. A little bit Brenda-Brandon/brother-sister. But cute nonetheless.
2. Doesn't Rachel look like Blossom Russo? Pay attention to her profile. You'll see it. (Oh, Mayim Bialik...)
3. Adam is a good catch and all, but he is not worth stepping in cow chips and getting mauled by a baby bull. OK!
4. Evidently, designated underdog Jennifer Lifshitz just can't have a good bra day. Poor thing. Not only did she get mauled by the bull, but her girls were riding real low when it happened. That's just not right. One of those women should have pulled "Jen. L" aside and told her that she needed to raise the puppies. Right after she walked out in a bathing suit and joked, "Say hello to my boobs," — that would have been a good time. I mean, I know they're competing for a man and all, but they could have at least saved Lifshitz from that unnecessary embarrassment. You know?
5. "I don't give a Lifshitz!" Sorry. I couldn't resist.
6. Kissing in the hot tub. Tres MTV.
7. Also clich&#233: That after only two solo dates, Adam's already become another Suckface Bob — as in Bachelor Bob. Yuck! "I'm not looking to be going around and doing that with everyone," he told Rachel less than one day before he locked lips with that HR rep Amy Worth. Riiiight. The Coyote Kissing Alarm is a bad sign, Adam. That's Mother Nature telling you, "Don't do it, man. Don't do it!."
8. Lifshitz cried. Great. Now I feel guilty for wondering whose forehead is bigger: Lifshitz's or Sade's? Yes, that was bad. I know. And I apologize. (Bad Rochell. Bad Rochell!) From now on, when it comes to the Jen-to-the-izell, I'm not going to say anything if I can't say something nice. Apparently the girl's seriously tied up over Adam. (See: The red string around her wrist and "stalker alert").
9. Yea, Adam! for taking control of the show and asking the fat boys to take the swimsuit babes home.
10. Boo, Brittany for acting surprised when he sent her home after she dropped the "I've-got-a-6-year-old-son" baby bomb. What did she expect? The man's a millionaire, yet he still lives like a frat boy in a Manhattan bachelor pad. She saw the first show. She knew how he lived. She couldn't possible think a 6-year-old fit into his big picture.
BTW: Some of the ousted women had the best sundresses — like Elizabeth from Wisconsin's black peacock print number. Nice. (Now that spring's here, I'm looking for fashion ideas.)

CSI: Miami
People are crazy. Every week this show proves that. And that's why I love it. That, plus the fact that it's fodder for a great drinking game. But I digress. Tonight's crazy-of-the-week prize goes to... The forensic groupie. Poor kid. All he wanted to do was use science to solve crimes.

The Propel Commercial
"Flavored right so you hydrate better." The folks at Gatorade have got to be kidding me with this one. Shoot. This is how I do water. Grab cup. Turn on tap. Fill. Drink.

The Race from the Whitehouse 2004
Oh, if only I didn't prefer this Daily Show special over real news... The recap of correspondent Rob Corddry's coverage of the Democratic presidential candidates' debate in Detroit was especially brilliant. The lowbrow question of the night: "Have you ever seen such a big black caucus?" I'm going to leave it at that.