Oh, Tim Meadows, you're better than this an unfunny game show on PAX. I mean, really.
Olympic Beach Volleyball
OK, this has nothing to do with the U.S.A. vs. U.S.A. game. But I'm going to share anyway. Last week my friend Nerina and I were talking about the wild crazy sex the loser athletes must be having in the Olympic athletes' village right about now. (Yes, these are the types of topics we discuss. You should have heard our ranking of the cutest countries based on the parade of athletes. But anyway....) I only mention this because we had a little disagreement: She thought the gymnasts would be the, uh, most popular among the guys. But I think the beach-volleyball players would be. I mean, just look at them... all that diving and jumping and spiking of the balls in bikinis! Yes, gymnasts are ridiculously flexible and strong. But they're also boxy and suspiciously young. Beach-volleyball players, however, have got legs for days, the bodies of women and the moves of athletes. Plus they keep slapping each other on the butt. And guys really, really like that stuff, right?
Half & Half
Remember when both the DeeDees thought they were pregnant? Right... Sure, this is a repeat. But it's worth re-watching just for the super ghetto tips on how to make the best of a party buffet table. Not only did Mona bring a thermos so she could save some drinks for later, girlfriend packed one of those thermal ice packs in her purse to keep her pocketed food cold. Now that's what I call planning ahead.
That Kristen woman has got to be kidding me. Geoff proposed to her during one of his many gambling trips to Vegas. Now she's all upset that he's gambling their wedding budget away? Like that's some kind of surprise. He couldn't help her plan the engagement party because he was too busy being "at the tables." Even I can see that that's a divorce in the making. And I'm not trying to be mean. I do feel for a girl. She loves him. He really seems to love her. But she can't marry this guy knowing he has a huge problem and then get upset when he does the very same thing he repeatedly did while they were dating. Anyone who's ever watched Oprah or Dr. Phil knows that.
Growing Up Gotti
Oh, it's hard being a single parent. Especially for Victoria Gotti... "It's times like this that I wish my father were alive," she sobbed. "Nobody gave him any lip." That's because if they did, they knew they'd lose a thumb. Yes, those boys are out of hand, but not because they don't have their father living in the house. (Where is he anyway? Jail?) Frankie and Carmine are out of hand because Victoria has not raised them right. Yeah, I said it. I don't have any children but even I can see that she constantly undermines her own authority. Every time one of the boys acts up, she gets on the phone to her little brother Pete or to John-John. If she'd put the Fear of Mama in them when they were little, Frankie wouldn't dare yell at her the way he does. Nor would he have ridden the ATV off the property after she repeatedly told him not to. Wait. He is a boy. He would have still taken it off the property, but he would have at least waited until she was out of town or something to do it. I'm just saying.
Olympic Gymnastics Event Finals
1. Don't believe the hype or those little promo things that pop up in the bottom left corner of your screen. They're cool. But, sometimes, they lie. They said that the men's vault finals would start in 18 minutes. I clocked it. The competition didn't start for 23 minutes. And they said Carly Patterson was coming up in 21 minutes. But she didn't. The women's competition started in 21 minutes. But Carly didn't show up for about 41 minutes. It's nitpicky, I know. But there's supposed to be truth in advertising.
2. Carly, by the way, wears too much makeup. She needs to chill on the blush.
3. What if and I'm just throwing this out there the Chinese gymnasts were paid by some super Alias-style spy organization to throw the Olympics. It could happen. How else would you explain Li Ya's fall on the beam? And all the other mishaps that have happened during these games. But Li Ya, for example, has a body that's only about eight inches wide. So working that four-inch beam is no problem. Besides, she was on point repeatedly. And she landed that tuck. Then just stepped off the beam. I saw that. And don't give me that stuff about her hips and shoulders not being square with the beam, blah, blah, blah. It's fixed, I tell ya. Fixed!
4. Speaking of beam, Romanian gymnast Catalina Ponor works the apparatus like she's mad at it. Seriously. She was killing me, her routine was so tight. And you know what, come next Olympics, we might not see her again. That's how things work in Romania. The gymnasts take a few big competitions, win some Olympic medals and then they just disappear. Where do they go?
5. Those floor-exercise scores were harsh. Those judges know samba mama Daiane Dos Santos deserved a much higher score. She threw some craziness like an Arabian double front in layout position. Men don't do that. And all she got was 9.3 something. That's ridiculous. And don't get me started on the parallel bars. Four men with drastically different routines got the same score. The same score! Those judges are smoking something.
6. You know what, I'm glad gymnastics is over just because I won't have to hear any more of Al Trautwig's comments. My favorite stupid Al exchange of the night came right before Japanese gymnast Isao Yoneda did high bar:
Al: What does he do that gets you excited, Tim?
Tim: Just about everything, Al.
It was almost funny.
7. Alexsei Nemov was robbed! Even his revised score of 9.762 was still too low. Again I say, the judges are smoking something. And why does Malaysia even get to have a judge? Have you ever seen an elite Malaysian gymnast? I don't think so.