Antiques Roadshow
Starting tonight, the "your junk might be a treasure" show sets up shop in Indianapolis — my hometown — for the next three weeks. Hoosiers in the house!

Fear Factor
You know you're a Fear Factor junkie when...
1. You can watch a guy wash down reindeer testicles with rancid egg nog and, instead of gagging, you think, "God, he's cute."
2. Pain-in-the-butt host Joe Rogan says, "I never cease to be amazed by what you freaks will eat." And you agree. Delightfully.
3. You see the set-up for the $50,000 underwater elimination stunt and recognize it from the Super Bowl Playboy Playmate episode.

Girlfriends
Look at Maya looking out for ex-husband Darnell. (How sweet!) And look at Joan going all caroling Nazi. (How annoying.)

Half & Half
No she didn't! After Dee Dee's ex announced — right before Christmas dinner — that he's getting married, the rich sis changed into holiday hot pants and stilettos and went all slutty seductress on him. In front of her father! Why? I'll never know. Wait. That's not true. I do know. She was pulling the whole "now that I can't have you, I want you back" thing. I just wish I didn't understand that, though. Seriously.

Two and a Half Men
Again I say, Duckie routinely gets the shaft on this show. Tonight, just like every other Monday night, Charlie Sheen got all the best lines, clothes, jokes and girls. Duckie — officially known as Jon Cryer — was little more than the butt of the show's jokes. And this was supposed to be one of his episodes! (It was all about his character's desire to update his frumpy image.)

Although, let me say, Duckie's final makeover outfit was cute. The loose-fitting jeans with the black blazer (or crisp black shirt) look is an easy buffer-upper for any man. In fact, several guys sported that outfit at the Newscorp holiday party Friday. I psuedo-stalked two of them. But I digress.

Arden commercial
Those floating red umbrellas...[shiver] they creep me out.

CSI: Miami
OK, y'all. Not that I encourage the consumption of alcoholic beverages, but... this show would make for the perfect get-twisted drinking game. And during tonight's episode, I got a good start on the rules.
Take a drink whenever:
Dr. Alexx Woods talks to a corpse. Down two shots if she talks and caresses simultaneously.
Horatio stands with one or both of his hands on his hips. Now, you'll have to be careful with this, as he does it in almost every scene. (Tonight's count was at least 11 times.) To avoid alcohol poisoning, be sure you don't count one hand on hip then two hands on hips in the same scene as separate incidents.
Horatio snatches off his shades to examine a crime scene.
Calleigh shows inappropriate CSI cleavage or works a crime scene in designer heels.
Eric gets in trouble or is shown partially dressed.
Any combination of characters tag-team quote a textbook lesson. Like tonight, when Calleigh said, "If you can't place the suspect at the crime scene..." and Tim finished, "you place the crime scene on the suspect."
Anytime Horatio makes a melodramatic four-word declaration. Such as, "And he looked back." Or "I'm sure they did." Go ahead and take two shots if he growls a short statement followed by a quick question. ("But things got out of control. Didn't they?") And take home the bottle if he says "Amen to that."

T-Mobile commercial
Is it wrong that, after seeing this commercial for, like, the fourth time tonight, I dialed 555-0188 in every area code I've lived in? Each time I got what sounded like the same Sprint directory assistance operator. (I was on my cell.) "How can I help you? She asked over and over. After I dialed 812-555-0188 and got her again I said, "What?! Does Sprint own this number?!" Her response: Silence. Then a stoic "Is there anything else I can help you with?" Beyaatch. You didn't help me in the first place! Click.

Las Vegas
And the award for the Cool but Pretentious Special Effect goes to... tonight's sweat-drop camera point of view. Now, did we really need to see what the World Poker Championship room looked like when siphoned through a drop of a nervous gambler's perspiration? Really.

Miss Match
Oh, the adventures of matchmaking lawyer Kate Fox. Da-a-a-ang. I like Alicia Silverstone's show on Monday nights. I especially like the cameos by whatshisname (Buffy's devilish priest) as Adam and by Average Joe's Tareq Kabir as the Indian woman's boring, but successful, arranged-marriage mate. Who knew a pompous jerk could be so appropriately cast? (Although him landing this gig is a bit... suspect.) Also good: the new Miss Match vocab I plan to steal. Here's a quick recap.
Temping for a husband: Taking a job just to increase your chances of meeting a successful single man.
Astro-match: A couple or potential mate whose astrological signs are compatible.
Astro-ho: An astrologically compatible person who pre-cheats on you with someone who's not an astro-match.