American Idol Viva Las Vegas! Too bad the judges crapped out at their own table. Paula's yelling at

Randy, then Simon. Guest Kenny Loggins is sitting there looking like Alice Cooper after too many colonics. And most of the singers are making my ears bleed. Yikes. And to think we still have a couple more weeks of auditions. Not to say there weren't a few voices worth a wow, but for real, Sin City. I saw Showgirls. The only fun in town can't just be hanging from poles, can it? And I'm not talking about the 44-year-old dude who tried to pass for 28. Please. Maybe after a run-in with a day-old shrimp buffet. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that Mario Vazquez makes it to the Top 12. Kid's got pipes that could make Justin Timberlake have a "wardrobe malfunction" in his pants, OK?Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search Since Lost is a repeat this week, I've decided to pay a little more attention to this week's edition of "Starvation Island." And you know what? I so couldn't care less. Seriously. We're down to sex-bomb Alicia, Anna Kournikova-wannabe Jenna, Brooke Burns-lite Stacy and gap-toothed Shannon. And not a single one of them has me hating myself for having carbs today. They're all so dull. The only one with gusto is model magnate Joe Wilkenfeld and even he should be caned. Judging Alicia as "the saggy-assed" one. Right. If that's saggy, I'm due for my own calendar. But I guess it's true: Gorgeous and thin can only get you so far. And for all of them except for the ousted Jenna, that means Bora Bora. For the rest of us? Boring, boring. Hey Roshumba, could ya pick one, tell the others their faces aren't symmetrical enough or whatever and just be done with this? God knows I am.Alias LOVE. THIS. SHOW! Man, I can't believe it took ABC three seasons to realize they needed to move Syd away from Sundays for her to get the props she deserved. And now that they have, we all win! Happy happy, joy joy! Of course that sort of glee unbound isn't something you'll actually see on screen, since everyone here is so superspy-serious. Maybe it's because they're afraid we'll notice that The X-Files did this faux suburban scenario like, a hundred years ago, but who cares! That was aliens. This is Alias. Which means we get Russian terrorists posing as desperate housewives and hubbies, a tease about Irina's sister and finally some steamy action for Syd and Vaughn. It's about time! I don't care if Garner and Vartan are throttling one another within an inch of their genetically unattainable bone structures off camera, these two NEED to get it on! And speaking of needs, someone had better explain — and soon — what Jack and Sloane are up to. 'Cause you know it ain't good.The Simple Life: Interns As the proud owner of Pepito the Wonder Chihuahua — and the traumatized viewer of a certain video — I need to share about my soft spot for Paris Hilton. It's so not right. Even worse is my thing for Nicole Richie. I adore her. Must be chemical. Anyway, I know what some of you are thinking, and yes, they are awful. Spoiled, snotty and superficial. I give you all of that. Still, the sight of them stuck on a Greyhound with the other half and the sound of their confusion about New Jersey — it's a state, girls — have me fallin' out. They are the Dumb and Dumber of reality TV. Which is quite an accomplishment, considering every idiot who's ever visited The Real World. Plus, how can you hate on a pair of overpaid princesses willing to risk a beating for "borrowing" a police car and sticking their host family with an unpaid-for Great Dane just for our amusement? Come on. There's no shame in their game. And that's hot.Project Runway Awww, poor Kevin. Undone by Wendy's verbal bitch slap. And on the runway, no less. Take heart, bud. There's a special place in hell for Miss Needy Middle-Aged Skunkhead, trust me. Sadly though, Kev did sort of deserve to go, if only for not seeing that he was sporting a huge, though slimming, bull's-eye after being named head designer of the group's futuristic collection. Hello? Did we learn anything from Dark Angel? Other than the fact that Jessica Alba can be outacted by her own lips? It's all about black, dude! Leather! Spandex! Not lace-lined party dresses and high-collared, solar-paneled street wear. Ugh. That khaki color scheme was like a bad cross between Blade Runner and a Boy Scout. Which is about as fetching as Jay's aubergine capris. My eyes! My eyes!Banana Republic ad All right. Enough of this nonsense. I know that's Mark Vanderloo. And that's Claire Forlani. And I am sure they are both beautiful on the inside. But the damn ditty haunts me! Who is that singing? Somebody, anybody, I beg you. Help a brotha out!Katie Couric: The 411: Teens & Sex Now, I've never been accused of being a prude, but there's something really icky about Katie Couric asking a room full of our future about "friends with benefits." Especially when a 16-year-old can compare casual hookups between buds to a driving range and make sense. "You practice your swing, see what works, what doesn't." People, it's a sad, sad day when A) a real-life teenager comes off wiser than those kids on One Tree Hill, B) parents would rather blame sex among the Noxema crowd on Herbal Essence's "organic experience" commercials than their own complacency and C) 13 percent of the young 'uns polled are getting more tail than I am! That's it. I'm going to bed. Alone. Thanks, Katie. What's next, the 411 on how being 35 and single sucks? Save it. I got that one covered.