American Idol
Oh, thank god. The Hawaiian auditions bring the badness to an end. Seriously, I get that Fox trots out the really awful singers early on to keep us entertained, but enough is enough! Ukuleles, yodelers, a Winnie the Pooh costume! Come on. I thought I was watching the talent-show tryouts at the David Lynch High School for Tone-Deaf Medical Anomalies. Though I was grateful for another week without having to figure out how to text-message my votes in. I haven't had feeling in my thumbs since Kelly Clarkson.

Smallville
So Clark and Lana both try to off Chloe out of the blue? No big mystery there. They've obviously grown as annoyed with her as I have. All that flippy hair and meddling, it's enough to push even the Man of Steel past his limits. Granted, it can't be that easy, so instead of their homicidal urges making perfect sense, we get the super exes being brainwashed by e-mails. Just wait until they discover Friendster. And this new guy Adam is bad news, folks. It's the eyebrows. And the Alias kickboxing moves. Trust me.

100 Greatest One-Hit Wonders
I can't help but love Limahl from '80s synth-band Kajagoogoo. Not only was he "Too Shy," but just knowing who he was helped me win $20 from Charlie's Angels director McG at a press junket. And, thanks to VH1, I now also know that Terry Jacks sang "Seasons in the Sun." So bring it on, buddy.

The O.C.
This repeat of Ryan and Marissa's first kiss should have been a welcome return to high-gloss romance. After all, there's no crazy Oliver, which is a good day for all of us. But I gotta say, the "go get your girl" scene between Ryan and Anna right before he got on the ferris wheel with Coop bristled with a bit too much sexual energy, you know? And seeing how Orange County's most unblemished couple is in splitsville now, even the faintest hint of this road not taken really sticks in my craw. Wherever that is.

Angel
This is why Joss Whedon needs to call me! Buffy's Andrew pops up to help the Wolfram & Hart white-hats catch a maniac who turns out to be one of the Slayers drummed up by Buff in her lamented show's finale. Brilliant! Plus, we got a catch-up report on the Scooby gang and it's all good. Xander's in Africa, Willow and Kennedy are together and Miss Summers herself is in Rome with Dawn. Now, since we know where she is — and that she's seriously ticked with Angel — someone at the WB should send her a first-class ticket in time for sweeps.

The Bachelorette
Meredith "wasn't sure" about Lanny? Girl, you better hope your next date is a trip to the optometrist. I can see cutting Rick. Anyone who thinks he can win points by turning the tables on you with that round of questions during the Mighty Ducks game is just plain tacky. Almost as tacky as Ryan R. losing what little cool he had over being cut. Buddy, you're fine and all that, but honestly, until you freaked, I didn't even notice you. And for the record, sore loser is as bad a color for men as Brad's fake-bake tan, OK?

Celebrity Mole: Yucatan
How crappy must Stephen Baldwin feel right about now? Big bro Alec scores an Oscar nod for The Cooler and this one's reduced to losing a reality show he's tanked on once before. Worse yet, he actually comes back for a revenge game of dodgeball with also-outs Corbin Bernsen and Ananda Lewis. No matter. The hunt for the Mole continues and I continue to be hooked.

Todd TV
Two weeks into this Ed TV-meets-The Truman Show smoothie and the only thing I'm getting is that Todd Santos is either a total sociopath or a star in the making. Self-absorbed, sarcastic and too handsome for his own good, he's even driving his therapist crazy. Sure, she's now also his roommate (which I'm sure Freud would have a field day with), but aside from the bits where he had to wash ex-Poison front man and True Hollywood Story Bret Michaels' car, nothing seems to rock this guy's ego. Though, if he doesn't lighten up, his already low ratings may do the trick.