Simon Cowell courtesy Fox; Britney Spears by Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com
triumvirate Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul have reached out to Britney Spears, offering to collectively manage the further-fallen popstress' careening career. "We have decided we can bring Britney back," Cowell tells Fox News, stressing, "We are serious. We plan to buy her some underpants, get her bigger shorts to perform in, and get her away from her stupid friends." (Quite the ambitious trifecta, if you ask me.) "MTV ratings are up," notes Cowell, "and all we're hearing is 'Britney, Britney, Britney!' She can turn it around." Adds Randy, "We'd love to take care of you, Spears! We will make you a superstar again!" Britney's reaction to the overture... after the break.