Even if you don't count the one currently sitting in the White House (ba-dum TSSSSS!), the season premiere of American Horror Story: Cult was a veritable smorgasbord of horror clowns. Male and female, masked and grease-painted, scooter-riding and sex-having... Dear lord, there was such a litany of clowns in this episode that it was legitimately tough to keep track of 'em all.
But since it seems like they're set to play an important role in the horror story to come — particularly when last we saw, poor Ally Mayfair-Richards (Sarah Paulson) was waking up in bed next to their three-faced ringleader — we've gone to the trouble of creating a handy guide to the whole entire family of deviant nightmare clowns from "Election Night," the better to identify them the next time they pop up onscreen... Or in your local produce section. (We've also given them nicknames, since all but Twisty are as yet unidentified.) Here's every clown that's shown up so far to terrorize our heroes.
In the grand hierarchy of clowns, alpha status is evidently determined by the size and number of your noses... Even if those noses all look like, uh, another body part entirely. Triple Dongerface is terrifying from any angle, even when he's not scootering toward you with a knife in his hand or appearing next to you in bed — and we've identified him thus far as the leader of this season's multitalented pack o' horror clowns.
Bearing more than a passing resemblance to the doll-faced intruder from The Strangers, this clown in platform boots and a frilly dress would be kind of pretty if not for the part where she's something straight out of a nightmare. She's definitely dressed for a party that none of her clown friends are attending.
In a sea of horror clowns, it's hard to make yourself stand out — which is why this inventive fellow removed the top of his skull to expose his brain (or hers?) before his watermelon-smashing sexual escapades in the local grocery. As one does.
The Trypophobia Clown
The Brain's partner in produce-section sex shenanigans, this green-haired specimen of horror also pulls double duty when it comes to triggering Ally's other phobia, thanks to the strategically-placed array of teeny tiny holes in his clownface.
A clown with very tiny hands? We can't put our finger on it, but this really reminds us of someb... Oh, well, nevermind. This creepy individual first appeared in the security mirror at the start of Ally's grocery nightmare, but bailed on the in-store fun to go out and wait for her in her car, where those teeny tiny hands (which seem to be affixed to its... head?) look extra creepy coming at ya in the rearview mirror.
The Soup Defiler
Dylan McDermott has officially been eclipsed as Most Memorable Masturbator in AHS history thanks to this guy in a white lucha libre mask, who was last seen adding his own not-so-secret ingredient to Ivy's tasting menu. It's unclear as of yet whether he's part of the larger clown clan that's out to terrorize the Mayfair-Richards family, or just a guy who really likes Mexican wrestling and soup, in that order — but playing the odds, we're gonna go with "clown" and keep him on the list.
The clown, the legend, the... comic book hero? Although he's missing the human pathos of his Freak Show self, Twisty still showed up in the premiere to do what he does best: brutally murder picnicking couples in a public park for no discernible reason. He may not have a part to play this time around except as a fictional character, but with all these new clowns parading around the premises, it's nice to see a familiar face... Er, metaphorically speaking. Twisty, sweetie, put your mask back on.
American Horror Story: Cult airs Tuesdays at 10/9c on FX.