[Warning: This story contains major spoilers from Wednesday's episode of American Horror Story: Asylum. Read at your own risk!]
The beginning of the new year is always so full of hope and it seems even American Horror Story: Asylum caught the optimistic spirit. Well, as much as Ryan Murphy's twisted drama can without straying too far from the aliens, Nazis, demons and gore that have defined this season.
After Arden (James Cromwell) successfully revives Kit (Evan Peters), he neglects to mention that the aliens not only came, but delivered a pregnant Grace (Lizzie Brochere) back to Briarcliff. But Arden's latest secret plot is somewhat foiled after Pepper, who's been put in charge of protecting Grace, refuses to tell him what's growing inside the knocked-up inmate. Is it an alien? Kit's unborn child? The ghost of Christmas past? On this show, anything's possible!
We also learn that while aliens might be technologically advanced, when it comes to humor they are light years behind (knock-knock jokes, really?).
In a somewhat surprising turn of events, it turns out that after the last episode's cliff-hanger, the Monsignor (Joseph Fiennes) remains alive! Instead of bringing him eternal peace, the Angel of Death (Frances Conroy) made him a regular Blues Brother, instructing the Monsignor to take care of the Devil living inside Sister Mary Eunice (Lily Rabe) in the name of God. Too bad her advice that the Lord would protect him through the rosary turned out to be nothing but empty words.
Murphy then continued his attempt to turn into the television M. Night Shyamalan with yet another twist: Dr. Thredson (Zachary Quinto) is back at Briarcliff and set to resume treatment of Kit and Lana (Sarah Paulson) in his new full-time position. Ruh-roh!
Fortunately for Lana, the diabolical doc promises to keep her alive at least until after their unborn child finishes breastfeeding because — as we know — baby needs colostrum.
Next up, Sister Jude (Jessica Lange) gets her Carrie Matheson moment when Arden and Eunice team up to administer a little extra-strength electroshock therapy. The "treatment" leaves the former nun so scrambled even Lana takes pity on her.
Cue the song and dance number.
No really. That's what happens next.
Murphy gives us a glimpse inside Jude's mind as she performs "The Name Game" for the Briarcliff inmates, complete with the mashed potato and — gasp! — a smiling Kit and Lana. Yes, this really might have been the strangest AHS: Asylum moment yet (and that's saying a lot).
After witnessing Sister Eunice take the Monsignor's virginity (somewhat by force), Arden heads out to the woods where he finally shows that even experimental Nazi doctors have hearts. He stands up to Eunice and kills off (all?) his monster children, though he still lacks the conviction to kill himself.
Eunice and the Monsignor then have a sass off, leading up to the very anticlimactic moment when the Devil loses control of Eunice's body for enough time to allow the Monsignor to throw the possessed nun over the third-floor railing. Waiting for just this moment, in swoops the Angel of Death with her fatal kiss to take away the lives of Eunice and the Devil.
Going against the Church's proclamations, Arden insists to the Monsignor on cremating Eunice's body and doing so alone. Why the secrecy? Because the doctor has ulterior motives! (No surprise there.) Before sending Eunice into the cremator, Arden climbs on top of his beloved so that they can face death together.
Elsewhere in the mad house, Thredson discovers Grace just as she's giving birth. He uses this newfound knowledge as leverage over Kit who'd do anything to protect — you guessed it — his baby! That's right. Grace assures her former lover in a heartwarming Maury moment that he is, in fact, the father.
But in typical Briarcliff fashion, nothing goes as planned. Instead of his missing confession tape, Thredson finds Lana has stolen the evidence to force the doc into keeping Kit & Co. alive and safe. Oh Murphy, you've done it again. Shyamalaned!
Right about now, you're probably thinking Lana's newfound power over Bloody Face has to be the last surprise in this already twist-filled episode, right? Oh, to be so naïve. This is American Horror Story, after all.
The Mother Superior takes her first trip to visit Jude since her tryst with high voltage, but with her brain all a mess, it's hard even for us to tell where Sister Jude's craziness ends and insight begins. But in one moment of clarity, the ex-nun confesses that she's the reason Lana's locked up and begs the Mother to help get her out.
Murphy recently told Entertainment Weekly that he included a lightning-fast clue about Season 3 in Wednesday's episode. Could the children's book Lana switches the tape for imply a school setting? Did one of the jukebox songs give it away? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
American Horror Story airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on FX.