Aiight, we all know what TV was really about tonight. The Sox and Yankees, Game 7, that curse, a postseason collapse, all that. And since I'm so not "Sports Guy," I'll just pop in now and then, give ya the skinny and try to not hurl the expletives I did last night when A-Rod got all handsy with Arroyo running to first base. Help us all.

Lost
Oh, so it's Jack's dad who's popping up all over the island. That makes sense. Sure, he's been dead since before the flight went down, but hey. Up until six days ago, boar-hunting hero Locke couldn't walk and saintly Kate was apparently Aileen Wuornos. Why not have some nasty DOA who was being shipped home on the plane lead his tortured son on a wild ghost chase all over the brush? It's not like the buzz-cut one doesn't have enough to worry about, what with Boone swiping the water as a way to wrest leadership, that poor nameless survivor's ill-fated morning swim and Bailey's drinking. Honestly, there was enough castaway craziness tonight, I don't think any of us lose points for missing that Locke's big "chasing the white rabbit" speech came at about the same time that Boone was reading Watership Down on the beach. Which has me thinking that the rabbit theme is there for a reason. Could it be tied to Locke's comment about looking into the "beautiful" heart of the island? What did he see out there last week? A giant Playboy bunny? I am so confused by this show. And I LOVE it!

America's Next Top Model
8:20 Toccara is named the Cover Girl of the week. You go, Toccara!
8:21 Kelle cries over her continuously bad photo shoots. Honey, you don't look like a platypus. It's just that Janice Dickinson's had her eyes lifted so many times she can't see straight.
8:28 Kelle wins the living-lingerie-ad challenge. See, baby, who else can say that? Much less admit to it?
8:37 Models skate! And poorly! Good thing they're all tarted up like drag queens for a photo shoot that looks like a cross between Wigstock and outtakes from Skatetown, USA.
8:43 Tyra Mail! Time for quick shots of fearful, underfed waifs. And Toccara, who I so wanna have babies with.
8:53 Is Dickinson drunk? Or is that just the anesthesia?
8:56 Jennipher is out oph here. Now go get hooked on phonics, missy. You keep misspelling your damn name!

Major League Baseball: ALCS Playoffs: Red Sox vs. Yankees
Boston's up, 2-0, thanks to Ortiz' homer, yet some New York fan is clapping in the stands like his treatments aren't working. Poor kid. And check it out, Billy Ray Cyrus is on deck! Oops, sorry, that's just Johnny Damon. Who knew mullets could work so well?

The Bachelor
Poor Jayne. So pretty and yet so crazy. Turns out she's not above a little meltdown to steal Byron's attention from Mary. Who, by the way, needs to stop bringing up Bob Guiney. None of us win when those flashbacks start flying. We now love Tanya, as does Byron, based on the very kissy end of their car-boat date. Too bad that the much-hyped pajama party wasn't much to shout about, unless you count Andrea's striptease or the screaming in my head triggered by Krysta's butt-crack panties. Egads. Thankfully, the fisher king threw that one back, along with Elizabeth. Which sort of bums me out. She was the only woman of color to make it past the second cut of any Bachelor. I guess all the direct questions and honesty she displayed on their outing to the aquarium freaked him out. Now all he's left with are Mary, Tanya, Andrea, Jayne, Cindy and Cheresse. And we're left to wonder what really happens when Jayne runs off into the night next week. Is it too much to hope they find her burying Krysta? Alive.

Major League Baseball: ALCS Playoffs: Red Sox vs. Yankees
Billy Ray, I mean Johnny Damon, hits a grand slam, bringing it to a blazing 6-zip! Beantown goes insane, while Joe Torre goes in his pants. Hee hee. You go, Sox. And know that when you wrap this thing up, there's a big fan named Jon from Vermont who'll be cheering right along with ya!

The West Wing
Either Terry O'Quinn is TV's official go-to guy, or he has the hardest-working agent in showbiz. First he's creeping us out on Lost, now, less than an hour later, he's advising Bartlet to bomb the snot out of Iraq. Even though they had nothing to do with some terrorist attack by another country. Hmmm. That sounds oddly familiar, depending on which side your voter registration card is buttered. But since this teeters a bit too closely toward real-life politics, I'm gonna flip around. Which also sounds sort of familiar. Huh?

Major League Baseball: ALCS Playoffs: Red Sox vs. Yankees
9-3, Boston. Get your rally hats ready, folks! And call Ben Affleck — I smell a photo op! Or is that just the Yankees stinking up their home field? God, I love this sports stuff. Is that what you jocks call trash talk?

Wife Swap
Look, Brett Butler found work! Oh, wait, that's some other mouthy Southern nightmare bossing around that dairy farmer. Honestly, what is the appeal of kids getting yelled at by some imposter mom for not drinking their milk? This is not drama, this is my childhood. And not the happy part, where I got to stay up late to watch Fantasy Island with my own mother. Click.

Major League Baseball: ALCS Playoffs: Red Sox vs. Yankees
Final score, 10-3. The curse is broken (I hope), history is made. No team has ever come back from 3 games to 0 and won the playoff series. Amen and God bless, Boston. You done a lot of folks proud. And helped a certain writer understand why his dad loves America's Pastime so much. Thank you.