Next Action Star
There's only one explanation for would-be action hero Jared's increasingly erratic behavior: The dude has gone completely insane. Week after week of sharing a house with the biggest bunch of reality-TV losers since Average Joe: Hawaii would drive anyone around the bend, and Jared always seemed vaguely unhinged to begin with. I'm seriously expecting him to turn up in the next episode with his head shaved completely bald, muttering something about errand boys and grocery clerks. At least that would give the competition some spice. Somewhere &#252berproducer Joel Silver is desperately rereading his contract, trying to find out how he can get out of having to cast any of these nitwits in one of his movies.

Great Lodges of the Canadian Rockies
This PBS travelogue was fun to watch, if only because it allowed me to play a nifty little game I like to call "If I Could Afford It." As in, if I could afford it, I would totally spend a week at each of the Rocky Mountain lodges featured here, especially the remote Mount Assiniboine Lodge (say that three times fast) that's located on top of a freakin' mountain. Run by a friendly Canuck couple (is there really any other kind?), the rustic retreat promises freedom from all modern devices, including cell phones, e-mail and indoor plumbing. Granted, I would probably go into technology withdrawal after about 48 hours, but at least I'd be mumbling "Must... surf... Internet" to myself in the shadow of the splendid Rockies.

The Simple Life 2
I've gotta agree with my Watercooler colleague Damian Holbrook here: Paris may get all the ink, but Nicole is the real star of The Simple Life franchise. Whether she's flirting with truckers over a CB radio or giving some horny farm boys a spray-on tan, Ms. Richie milks her 15 minutes in the pop-culture spotlight with gusto. It's almost sad to think that, in 20 years, she'll either be entering rehab for the sixth time or undergoing her 10th face-lift. Ah well, even then she'll have a wider range of facial expressions than her "best friend" Paris.

Method and Red
Why does this zippy sitcom get no love? Sure, it's no Arrested Development, but Method Man and Redman are funny guys who play off each other really well. Plus, they've surrounded themselves with some great supporting players, from Neighbor Lady (The Daily Show's Beth Littleford) to Method's no-nonsense mom (Anna Maria Horsford). One thing has to go though — that horrible, horrible laugh track. In addition to sounding like it was recorded underwater during a Carrot Top stand-up routine, it's used so inconsistently you have to wonder why they even bother. And speaking of future has-beens, Carmen Electra turned up last night, desperately trying to avoid sinking further into the pit of cultural irrelevance. Next stop: The Simple Life 3: Pamela and Carmen!

I, Robot Exclusive Clip
Recipe for I, Robot
Take one (1) copy of Isaac Asimov's seminal sci-fi book, I, Robot. Rip out the page that contains the Three Laws of Robotics and staple it to the beginning of an unrelated screenplay that also happens to be about robots. Discard the rest of the book. Add at least four or five effects-heavy action sequences that involve robots attacking humans. Make sure one of them features a car chase. Sprinkle liberally with Will Smith witticisms. Toss in an attractive but pointless female costar (Ashley Judd is generally recommended, but Bridget Moynahan will do in a pinch). Mix well. Serves 200,000,000.

Warning: May cause severe depression in Asimov fans, particularly those who have recently reread I, Robot. May also cause lyrics from the "Men in Black" song to become stuck in one's head. If this occurs, cover your ears and sing "It's a Small World" very loudly until you forget the song or pass out. Repeat as often as necessary.

True Hollywood Story: Meg Ryan
Dear Ms. Ryan,

We are writing to inform you that you have been officially stripped of your title as America's Sweetheart, effective immediately. We apologize if this comes as a shock, but your recent actions left us with little choice. In addition to a general inability to pick good scripts, you are being charged with the following crimes against the moviegoing public:

1. Mangling a Detroit accent in Against the Ropes.

2. Tricking Hugh Jackman into appearing in Kate and Leopold.

3. Agreeing to star in In the Cut.

We ask that in the future you refrain from appearing in any movie where you play a young urban professional unlucky in love, particularly if said film features a new song from Sting. We also request that you remain at least five miles away from the new contestants for your title — Kate Hudson, Reese Witherspoon and Brittany Murphy — at all times. Thank you for your understanding in this matter and best of luck in your future employment.

Yours sincerely,
The Motion Picture Association of America

Good Eats I'm not a big devotee of cooking shows, but I'll happily make an exception for Alton Brown, the coolest chef on the Food Network. Why does Alton rock? Well, for one thing, he seems genuinely interested in teaching his viewers about food, unlike certain other "celebrity" chefs (coughcoughBobbyFlaycoughcough) who are primarily interested in selling assorted cooking products bearing their imprint. Besides, how can you not love a series that pays homage to everything from Apocalypse Now to Misery? I've also got a personal investment in this show. See, Mr. Brown is one of my lovely wife's celebrity crushes, which actually lets me feel pretty good about myself. Put me against her other not-so-secret boyfriends, Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell (good taste, huh?), and I wouldn't have a chance in hell. But alongside a fellow geek — especially one who's 20 years older than me — I think I stack up all right. Except for the whole master-chef thing... — Damian Holbrook is currently in Los Angeles covering the press tour. Today's column was written by Ethan Alter.