Next Action Star Seriously, this...

Next Action Star
Seriously, this one gives my inner casting agent the vapors. We've got screen tests, screaming matches, egos the size of a Joel Silver budget. And for what? A two-hour TV movie deal. Big whoop. Like any of the mansion-dweller dramaramas need to worry about doing The Revenge of 10.5. I say, give the winners a series. Law & Order: Process Servers Unbound. Or maybe a comedy-action hybrid. Third Watch from the Sun. It could work. As for the hopefuls, well, some of them probably won't work. Herewith, my take on our vexed Action Stars:
Sean — The soaps called. They want their broad shoulders and narrow emotional range back, OK?
Melisande — Like Victoria Burroughs said, it's like turning a model into an actress. Or a human. It ain't gonna happen.
Jeanne — Just lovely. But lovely isn't tough.
Mae — This is tough. And she has the clenched teeth to make sure we all know it. Nope.
Corinne — Love her, love her, love her. Could go all the way.
John — Big strong man. And cute. Missed the call for The Bachelor, huh?
Linda — Pretty, foreign, bitchy. Had to go. We'll see ya on Cinemax After Dark, I'm sure.
House — Even prettier. Buh-bye.
Mark — I got nothin' from this guy. Paint drying in slo-mo.
Jared — Mad skills, great instincts. Hand him the contract now. And tell him to quit getting all "Actor Man" on everybody. It's tired.

60 Minutes
Speaking of "Actor Man," how about Sean Penn smoking during his interview with Charlie Rose? Nice. With the Pancho Villa mustache and the wavy 'do, he's starting to look a lot like a younger De Niro. Except De Niro knows there ain't nothin' wrong with a comedy now and then. Seriously, Sean, when wifey Robin Wright Penn describes you as a "loving nightmare," it may be time to go easy on the handicapped, dead-daughter, doomed-killer roles and remember that Spicoli makes the world go 'round, too.

The Simple Life 2: Road Trip
Get out your torches, villagers. I know you hate this one, but can I just say that Nicole Richie is hilarious. "Do be cute. Don't be slutty," she counsels her Louisiana host family's 13-year-old daughter before her first date. Priceless, considering she later terrorized the girl's gentleman caller with threats she probably learned from her parole officer. "I will hunt you down and kill you," Nikki warns the kid if he steps over the line. Where he'd likely run into Miss Hilton, who was busily eyeing up the bayou man-child like he was a Ferragamo scratching post. You could almost smell the smoke as she did the math. He's 13, hon. You're like, 22. Even that far south, it's still not legal!

Drew Carey
Ohh, the slow death continues. Ugh. And it's not that these episodes are awful. They're watchable. I mean, tonight we had Fred Willard as a shady travel agent, running off with Drew and Kellie's Italian-vacation deposit. Yes, we saw it coming from a mile away, but it's Fred Willard. Waiting for Guffman. A Mighty Wind. Best in Show. That's gotta be worth something, right? More than, say, Sting showing up on...

McEnroe
And you know why? Because the former Police man is easier to get than mono! I swear, two phone calls and I could book the guy for an open mic at my cubicle. As for John and this wobbly effort, I'm going to hold off until further notice. It was his first time out, Will Ferrell dominated the first half and we all know talk shows are a tough call. Plus, I've seen this guy go to his unhappy place. Ticking him off isn't in anyone's best interest.

The Bourne Supremacy Ad
Shut up. I can't even wait for this. But Matt, could you get Ben some help? Honestly, Paycheck actually hurt.

ALF's Hit Talk Show
Growing up, my oldest brother was hooked on ALF, while I would sell my plasma to watch more celebrity fluff than most 9 year olds should be interested in. Now, thanks to TV Land, we have something else to share than just DNA, difficult hair and jokes about the brother between us who used to chew his shirt collars. More than a spoof of either format, we instead got a cat-eating-alien Mike Douglas ribbing Drew Carey on being "the past tense of draw" and mocking Dennis Franz's cop-heavy resume. It's a brilliant concept, a Space Ghost Coast to Coast for the crotchety puppet scene. In fact, the idea that it wasn't picked up as a series is this Hit's only miss. Sorry. Just a little TV Guide humor. Forgive me. It's late.