Now that ABC has given the green light to a TV-movie about the making of Aaron Spelling's seminal primetime soap, Dynasty, execs are pulling out their hair — and not because they are imitating babelicious bruisers Joan Collins and Linda Evans, either. (If that were the case, they'd be pulling one another's hair!) The suits are faced with the daunting task of finding two actresses who could fill out their predecessors' Nolan Miller evening gowns. But not to worry: As always, we've got a few bright ideas. See if you don't agree that Krystle and Alexis Carrington would be well played by:
Suzanne Somers and Jane Seymour: Still getting jiggly with it after all these years — and having mastered her thighs as well! — the former Three's Company airhead has both the look and, we surmise, the IQ to embody the trophy wife billionaire Blake Carrington hand-picked from the secretarial pool. And, after spending so many years bedecked in frontier fashions as Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, Seymour is past due to slip into the sort of glam gladrags for which the first Mrs. C was envied. Plus, her English accent will be a whole lot more authentic than Emma Samms' American patois was during her disastrous turn as Fallon.
Shelley Long and Bebe Neuwirth: How's this for stunt-casting! Pit erstwhile Cheers archenemies Long and Neuwirth against one another, then sit back and watch the fur fly. Long, a natural to pull off Krystle's air of moral superiority, already has invaluable experience resurrecting an iconic character — she ushered Florence Henderson's role of Brady Bunch mom Carol to the big screen, you'll recall. And Broadway babe Neuwirth has the traffic-stopping gams to make Blake's residual interest in bitchy, ball-busting Alexis understandable. Frasier fans can also attest that Lilith's portrayer remains the personification of a cold snap.
Heather Locklear and Finola Hughes: Although boss man Spelling won't be involved in the Dynasty redo, producers would be wise to raid his roster of talent — heaven knows, he's done pretty well for himself by hiring the same folks over and over. So why not let Locklear graduate from wild child Sammy Jo to mistress of the manor Krystle? (Just to keep things interesting, maybe she could throw a little Amanda Woodward into the mix.) While we're at it, let's invite chilly Brit Hughes — misplaced as a warm-'n'-fuzzy type on Spelling's short-lived Pacific Palisades — to put the frostbite on Locklear as ice queen Alexis.
Jane Fonda and Faye Dunaway: If it's true that history repeats itself, then this pair of fading film stars is destined — destined, we tell you! — to get the career kick-starts they so desperately need, courtesy of the plum parts that gave Evans and Collins their own second winds. Born good girl Fonda, with her well-rehearsed look of righteous indignation, is a shoo-in for Krystle. Meanwhile, Dunaway — already a walking camp classic, thanks to her ear-shattering turn as Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest — could chew another whole forest of scenery if she'd deign to suit up as Alexis.
Tori Spelling and Shannen Doherty: OK, we'll grant you these two are a wee bit young to fill in for long-in-the-teeth tootsies Evans and Collins. But, c'mon — who ever really believed that Collins was old enough to have spawned Gordon Thomson (Adam) in the first place? And, despite the fact that both Spelling and Doherty pooh-poohed rumors of a real-life feud, the press would have a field day, were the onetime Beverly Hills, 90210 castmates to be reteamed. Sure, Aaron might still be a mite miffed since Doherty quit on him a second time. However, we think (Tori) we might know (Tori) someone (Tori) who could put in a good word for her.
Varla Jean Merman and Coco Peru: Don't look so shocked. From the moment that Collins walked into that courtroom as Alexis, wearing a hat that was bigger than her ego, she and Evans have been parodied by drag queens more regularly than Madonna. Even if that weren't the case, the female impersonators (and Girls Will Be Girls roomies) also known as Jeffery Roberson and Clinton Leupp would be knockouts as the Missuses Carrington. Bodacious Merman traffics in trashy antics befitting Krystle, our heroine from the wrong side of the tracks. And snooty Peru, with her regal bearing, was born with a tongue sharp enough to cut cubic zirconia. Not that Alexis would be caught dead in anything faux!