Olympics: Women's Figure Skating
Forget about the Shani-nigans of the speed-skating feud, Lindsey Jacobellis' fall from grace and Bode's disappointing body of work. Figure skating is the premiere event of the Winter Games, even without Jillian Barberie and Todd Bridges. And last night's free skate presented Sasha Cohen with the chance to become America's next golden girl.  

The night's memorable moments:

Kiira Korpi, Finland: Why do I have a feeling we'll be seeing this girl in Maxim sometime soon? In the words of Dick Button, "My goodness!" Extra hot points for skating to "Fever."

Yelena Sokolova, Russia: Redeems herself from Tuesday's short program, when she had a Chernobyl-size meltdown. Why is it that all Russian skaters and gymnasts look like '80s New Jersey mall chicks?

Liu Yan, China: Dick Button has officially gone nuts. He's chastising Yan for not having her skates properly laced. He's the skate Nazi. No medal for you!

Susanna Poykio, Finland: Seriously, Button is around the bend. He just said this women's soufflé went "un-souffléd." He just made up a word! I guess in a sport with lutzes and salchows you can do that.

Miki Ando, Japan: Falls attempting to land the first quadruple in Olympic history. Seems to like it: just keeps falling after that.

Emily Hughes, U.S.: Wearing her lucky blue and skating a solid performance, Emily just seems to be having more fun than anyone else.

Carolina Kostner, Italy: Sadly for the local girl, this was the worst Kostner-related performance since The Postman.

Sasha Cohen, U.S.: Skating to "Romeo and Juliet" proves appropriate, as Sasha's two early falls are a tragedy. She toughs it out and skates flawlessly after that, but it's too little, too late. She was lucky to land a silver medal.

Shizuka Arakawa, Japan: This ice princess was as cool as the other side of the pillow. She deserved the standing ovation she received following a flowing and graceful gold-medal performance. Also, her two-tone Mulan-looking outfit was the best ensemble of the night. (Least masculine sentence I've ever written, right there.)

Kimmie Meissner, U.S.: Between Cohen, Hughes and Meissner, you get the feeling that U.S. figure skating is in good hands, er, feet for years to come.

Irina Slutskaya, Russia: Irina's flamenco number is a little sloppy, and a fall drops her all the way to the bronze medal. I take back what I said about the Russians, Slutskaya doesn't look like a New Jersey mall chick. She looks like the mom of a New Jersey mall chick.

Well, that's enough figure skating for me until about, I don't know, 2010. See ya in Vancouver!