3:54: Oooh, they're handing out free boxes of popcorn at the entrance. Thank you, ABC! Now I know I'm going to love your pilots!

3:59: How excited am I about the popcorn? I'm not even bitter that they stuck me in the nosebleed section.

4:01: The downside of popcorn? Popcorn breath. Everyone around me has it. Good thing I stopped for Tic Tacs.

4:03: Showtime!!!

4:05: Boring exec talks about cross-platforming. A dark cloud of popcorn breath is forming over the stage here at Lincoln Center. I think someone in the orchestra seats just passed out from the stench.

4:16: OMG, I'm literally getting a nosebleed!!!!!! Just kidding. I'm just bored.

4:20: It's obligatory clip time! All of the best moments from the past season compiled into a neat little trailer. My favorite part. Seriously.

4:25: ABC president Steve McPherson (aka The Headliner) takes the stage. Last year he performed a show-stopping jig, à la Dancing with the Stars. How will he top himself?

4:26: OMG! It's the cast of Ugly Betty performing a showtune, live on stage!

4:32: It's a full-on Broadway production number with the Betty cast, but mostly built around Mark Indelicato and America Ferrera - it's awesome!!! They're singing "One" from Chorus Line with Betty-ized lyrics!

4:36: New show clips. First up, Sam I Am with Christina Applegate. Looks promising.

4:38: Carpoolers looks "eh." I laughed once. Well, it was a half laugh.

4:40: Miss/Guided costars Luke's daughter April! How'd I not know that? Show looks fun.

4:43: OK. Not even free popcorn can get me to say something nice about Cavemen.

4:46: Jimmy Kimmel's testing out some new material. I love this guy, especially when he makes fun of his own network.

4:50: He says Rosie is leaving The View to "declare herself eligible for the NFL draft." That gets a huge laugh.

4:51: Ooooh, he just took a shot at Katie Couric, joking that CBS will follow Lost's lead and set an end date for her. Low blow! I love it!

4:55: ABC is showing clips for its new reality shows, and the crowd reacts with horror when the title of the new Biggest Loser-for-kids show pops up on the screen: Fat March. Methinks that's gonna change in the next 24 hours.

4:57: Brothers & Sisters gets its own fancy trailer!

5:00: The cast is in the house! Emily VanCamp is taller than Rob Lowe!

5:01: OK, this is genius. ABC is playing an awards show-type video montage of all the ABC characters who died this season. It features everyone from Denny on Grey's to Jerry Springer on Dancing with the Stars. High-sterical.

5:03: Neat-o! Special musical guest - The Fray!

5:05: Back to clips of the new shows, starting with a little show called Pushing Daisies!

5:07: Good, it's not just me, the audience is eating this show up!

5:09: Private Practice is up now. Funny thing: The show is much more palatable when condensed down to a three-minute trailer.

5:13: Greg Berlanti's lawyer-as-prophet drama Eli Stone looks predictably solid.

5:15: Darren Star's soapy Cashmere Mafia looks predictably like a Sex and the City clone.

5:20: Dirty Sexy Money is essentially Brothers & Sisters on crack.

5:23: Women's Murder Club is Sex and the City meets CSI, starring Law & Order's best ADA ever, Angie Harmon. Sadly, I'm underwhelmed.

5:26: Big Shots is Sex and the City but with guys, and these guys have last names like Vartan, Titus and McDermott. Awesome cast, so-so trailer.

5:30: Stephen McPherson comes back onstage and brags about having seen next week's two-hour Lost finale. Yeah, well, I've already seen the first three episodes of next season! Top that, McPherson!

5:34: We're playing Bingo with the host of ABC's National Bingo Night! The prize: a flat-screen TV! OK, if I win this thing, Cavemen's getting a rave review.

5:39: Damn, someone in the orchestra won. Good seats and a flat-screen TV. Bastard.

5:42: OMG, confetti! And a marching band! And flag twirlers! Best. Upfront. Presentation. Ever.

5:43: I'm off to the ABC party to get you scoop for tomorrow's AA!

(For more upfront coverage, check out TVGuide.com's First Look: Hottest Fall TV blog.)