Emeril Kicks Up the Holidays
I usually never watch Food Network, but Gilmore Girls and some of my other faves are still in repeats, so I'm spicing up my viewing habits a little tonight. Bam! Emeril Live is doing a holiday cooking special. Not only does Emeril Lagasse make a helluva shrimp cocktail — I'm partial to anything served in a martini glass — he's got a full-on gospel choir! Better watch out, Em. Some of those plump 'n sassy carolers in scarlet choir robes are lookin' hongry. (No, that's not a misspelled word. It's just Southern for "famished.") I hope he plans to feed 'em after the show... or else!

The Simple Life
Oh my! Paris must visit Altus City Hall to register Tinkerbell with a dog license, and she looks put out about it. So she fills out an application with the Mayor — yeah, it's a small town — who asks her and Nicole to co-chair an arts and crafts fair called the Springtime Gala. Naturally, this means the gals dress in country slut outfits that make Daisy from The Dukes of Hazzard look downright demure. I smell trouble...

Funny how Paris and Nicole consider themselves "like sisters" to Justin, yet they can't quit talking sexy around this teenage boy, who clearly feels anything but brotherly toward them. (He's always leering so lustily!) Um, am I the only one who got kinda excited when Nicole asked Justin and his guy pal if they ever French kiss each other? Bad girl!

To tell the truth, it's guilty fun watching these junior she-devils trying to corrupt the town's innocence. First, they take charge of the kissing booth, where they're, like, totally behaving tamely by only kissing guys on the cheek. Of course, that doesn't last. Nicole refuses to kiss one insistent guy on the lips — unless he'll agree to smooch his cute male friend on the lips first. So he does it! Okay, that's sassy. (And Nic's clearly got herself a kinky li'l fetish goin' on there...) Later, Paris and Nicole get mad at Justin's ex-girlfriend for dumping their "brother." So they torture her with all sorts of catty remarks, then threaten to have a three-way with him. Nice. By the time Nicole busts out laughing — "Just kidding!" — the girl looks close to tears. I love it!

Count me among the many impressionable young fans being lured into Paris and Nicole's hedonistic axis of evil. Yes, I admit it! I wanna dress up sexy and tease guys, too! Uh-oh. See? Even us TV Guide writers could use parental discretion sometimes.

24
Wow! Can you believe Dr. Anne's ex-husband shot himself in front of her? I dunno about you, but I was completely on the edge of my seat, thinking maybe she really would succeed in changing his mind or grabbing that gun away from him. It's so easy to be gullible while watching 24. There are so many deaths and near deaths that you never know who's really gonna bite the bullet. Some people complain the show's too crazy this season, but as a new fan, I'm fond of all the unpredictable surprises and suspense. Like Dr. Anne dumping President Palmer toward the end of the episode. What?! How you gonna kick the Most Powerful Man in the World to the curb like that?

AOL Version 9.0 commercial
Wonder how much they paid Snoop Dogg to burst in on those white folks and say, "Just wait one minizzle." Probably too much, 'cause it still doesn't make me want to get AOL.

Punk'd
I remember when Lindsay Lohan was just a little girl on NBC's now-defunct soap opera Another World. Now the Parent Trap and Freaky Friday star is all grown up, and apparently A-list enough to warrant getting Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher. Good for you, Linds. Anyway, that Christmas hoax perpetrated on Beyonce Knowles was cruel! During a personal appearance at Universal Citywalk, she was framed for pushing over a giant Christmas tree and crushing gifts for underprivileged kids. Poor Beyonce. But she was such a good sport about it.... Hey, I sure hope Ashton's just punkin' us for publicity when he says this episode — which wrapped the show's second season — is the last. I want my MTV Punk'd!

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
As a holiday gift to fans, the Fab Five reunite with past straight guys, checking in to see if they're still applying their Queer skills or if they're slackin' off. Can you imagine Carson and his camera crew showing up at your house unannounced to do his "gay espionage" on you? Yikes! Gotta sympathize with the hapless heteros in this episode. By the way, I just heard Carson indicate his approval of something by saying, "It's making me moist." Ew! I never, ever want him to say "moist" again.

All the Hip Tips were silly fun as usual. But did you see Ted actually roll his eyes when Jai "taught" everyone something stupid about serving coffee as a clever way to let guests know it's time to go home? That didn't even make sense. Talk about useless. But I should leave Jai alone. Now that Elijah Wood has spoofed him on SNL, it's clear that Jai-hating has reached its pop-cultural saturation point. From now on, let's all just treat him like we do our embarrassing relatives at the holidays: Smile like everything's normal and pretend he's not there.