Ed
After a couple good weeks of Ed and Carol's courtship, we're back to cutesy costume gags, are we? Fine. At least Tom Cavanagh can work a Revolutionary War get-up like nobody's business. And even if The Simpsons did do a whole thing about the town founder being a fraud a few years back, you have to salute the timeliness of Ed defending Stuckeyville's cowardly forefather with a baseball analogy, seeing how that's what everyone else seems to be watching tonight.

Smallville
Oh my god! Miguel from Passions shot the farm boy of steel! With a kryptonite bullet! So not pretty. But gory entrance wounds aside, the most disturbing thing here is the post-Columbine idea of a militia-crazed teen, armed to the gills and gunning down "freaks" created by a meteor shower. I get the intolerance allegory, but does such a youth-skewing show need to play with guns so much? Especially since this thing really flies when it's all about Clark and Lana doing the "tell me who you are" tango. But sooner or later, our gal is gonna start wondering why someone is more into Lex than sex.

Celebrities Uncensored 12
Roseanne picking her nose. Jessica Biel pulling out her best fake smile to pose with a foreign fan. Carmen Electra drunk on Sunset Boulevard. This is America's Funniest Home Videos for stalkers.

Insomniac with Dave Attell
You know, until now, I thought I had the coolest job on Earth. Then I see this guy making a buck trolling New York after dark, drinking, smoking and hitting on whatever crosses his path. To make it worse, he even stopped by the set of Guiding Light for a backstage look at the Holy Grail of daytime. Good thing Attell looks like an inner-city Uncle Fester, or I'd have to hate him.

South Park
Ahhh, a classic. Big Gay Al, George Clooney as Stan's homosexual dog, and the most alarming football-game antics since John Madden's eyebrows entered the booth. But is it weird that my Chihuahua Pepito left the room during the pooch-on-pooch jokes?

Oliver's Twist
If it's Jamie Oliver's birthday, why is he doing all of the cooking? Especially when the entree is a halibut that's somewhere between the size of a Mini Cooper and a Minnie Pearl. Granted, the kid's a whiz in the kitchen, but he'll never top my mom's potato salad if he keeps piling on the mint. Pickle juice, bud. Makes all the difference, trust me.

Karen Sisco
This is the episode critics got to see this summer, so you can understand why we're all so ga-ga over Carla Gugino. She's like Sydney Bristow without the sports bras and wig collection. Love the tough cop vs. doting daughter routine she's got with Robert Forster and the killer guest cast. Stocking the hour with Peter Horton, Jake Busey and 24's Xander Berkeley more than makes up for making my Goonies gal Martha Plimpton look like such a tart.

Law & Order
I was hoping to see if Briscoe would snark off about the "death" of SVU's Cabot from Tuesday night, but NBC yanked their previously scheduled original episode for this repeat. And thank god, because what TV really needs is a pedophile celebrity accused of throwing his baby out a window. I don't know what headline this one was ripped from, though.