American Idol
Just when you think you've got Idol all figured out, they go and shake things up. My whole theory on performers with backstories failed during the Las Vegas auditions, as Jason, Anthony and the Pearson twins were all nixed from the competition. What'll they do to throw us off next? Will Simon Cowell be kind to the wannabes? Will Paula Abdul be coherent? And will Randy Jackson manage to criticize without using the word "pitchy"? I actually disagreed with the judges getting rid of Jason the gondolier. Yes, his "Pepe" shtick was annoying, but his boy-bandish take on "Stand by Me" wasn't completely awful and probably would have been just fine with the trio of terror last year. The Pearsons cried in perfect unison, but they had nothing on the watery breakdown of "Dylon," the fake Rastafarian. He was upset because he tried to be something he's not... a singer. Sorry, just channeling Simon. I felt bad for Haggai and his patriotic shirt, but maybe he sounds better in his native tongue. Not sure what language Ryan Hart was screeching in, but no, you are not "unique," my friend. Basically you are every black-clad, whiny suburbanite pouting and posing in the parking lot of 7-Elevens across the nation. Swearing while wearing magenta-colored bangs does not make you edgy, it just makes you Sharon Osborne. Psychic past castoff Bobbie May returned to coach her sister Erica, and now two members of the family have joined the Idol hall of shame. I predict the return of Bobbie May in 2007, with an equally untalented cousin. What was the deal with Princess Brewster? Conceited? I don't know why — I think it was her voice that turned Taylor Hicks' hair gray. I'm glad he made it through, as I am about surprise country gal Heather Ward and about Mecca, the baby-faced belly dancer. I know it's juvenile, but I can't wait for the auditions in Austin to see Ryan Seacrest get knocked down by a contestant. Seacrest... down! — Ken McGilvray

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