8 Simple Rules Poor Katey Sagal. They make her do this "heartfelt introduction" to

John Ritter's final episode, and the woman just looks, well, uncomfortable. She's clearly in a tough position. That said, Ritter's charmingly goofy, as always, in his last TV outing. Loved the part where he freaks out over "a noise downstairs," then pummels "prowler" Thad Luckenbill with a toilet-bowl brush! This guy's been such comfort food, ever since I started catching him in Three's Company reruns after school as a kid. I'm really going to miss him.

Gilmore Girls Okay, someone just needs to call it out: The Gilmore girls are a pair of ungrateful churls! Don't get me wrong, I adore Lorelai and Rory. But their snarky reaction to Grandma Emily's gift was absurd. (In case you missed it, she surprised Rory by outfitting her Yale dorm room with posh furnishings, a home entertainment center — complete with plasma screen TV! — and other extravagant goodies.) Most college coeds would be thrilled, but these two can only complain about Emily's "interference." Puh-leeze. I get that they're trying to be Destiny's Child-style independent women. But the Gilmore grandparents have financed Rory's pricey private schooling, and now they're generously giving the kid a free ride through Yale. So what if they're trying to buy her love? I'm not seeing the problem here...

Frasier Look, it's Wendie Malick guest starring as Niles and Frasier's old babysitter, Ronni Lawrence. Except that with all the booze and plastic surgery jokes, she may as well be playing her old Just Shoot Me character, Nina Van Horn. Which is fine, because I loved vain, messy Nina. But they're showcasing her in the wrong kind of storyline. I mean, Frasier and his dad, Martin, fighting over who gets to date her? Yuck. This is way too Greek tragedy for me. And Martin's heart-to-heart with his sons about needing Viagra to please Ronni in bed? Double yuck. Maybe they had to squeeze in the Viagra product placement to pay Kelsey Grammer's $1.8 million-per-episode salary.

Real World: Paris This episode, taped back in March, has the Real Worlders reacting to the U.S.-Iraqi war. Hey, I don't care what real celebrities think about our national politics. Forget about these sublebrity brats. Click.

The Restaurant My mother — a die-hard Italian from Queens, N.Y. — is watching Restaurant for the first time in reruns on Bravo. She called me to scream about it. And boy, she was mad, since this lady takes her Italian cuisine very seriously. "Somebody needs to kick Rocco DiSpirito's ass!" Mom declares, in her dainty Queens fashion. "He is so full of himself, it makes me sick. He treats his help like crap, and sits around schmoozing while they're serving cold food to the customers. Who wants to eat in his damn restaurant, anyway? I'd like to smack him upside the head." Well, I might not have put it quite that way, but I couldn't agree with mama more. And I don't just say that 'cause I'm afraid of her. Which I am.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy I'm starting to worry about my Bravo-addicted mother. She's calling again. I see her number on the Caller ID. Should I pick up? I can't pretend I'm not home. She knows I'm here, watching TV for this Watercooler column. Tonight's Queer Eye is a repeat — they've rerun it 100 times — but it's new to Mom! "The straight guy is Thomas Kaden, who's in his late 20s," she informs my voice mail. "He is gorgeous. Freakin' hot. And he's cooking his date striped bass with a honey glaze! But what he is doing with this ugly Jersey girlfriend is beyond me. Carson was right when he said, 'A hooker in Trenton is missing her boots.' You can tell Thomas is the pretty one in this relationship." Again, Mom's way harsh, but right on the nose. More on Queer Eye below...

Good Morning, Miami During the show's first 10 minutes, guest star Jillian Barberie is the funniest person in the episode. That's a bad sign. As for leading man Mark Feuerstein, his attempts to act sweet and heroic just come off smarmy and phony. And adding Tiffani Thiessen to the cast is not helping. If she's supposed to bring "The Locklear Effect" to this struggling show, it ain't workin'. "These shows make me angry," says my pal Frank, who's channel-surfing with me. "There are so many talented people in Hollywood. How did this show get on the air? It's not funny! Somebody at Miami must know where [NBC entertainment president] Jeff Zucker buried the bodies." Oh, and the much-hyped cameo with those guys from Queer Eye? Yawn. I much prefer them unscripted.

NBC Special Report: Decision 2003 Good lord! I hate when networks interrupt regular programming for news, 'cause they usually do it during my soaps! But tonight, I'm grateful for any respite from Good Morning, Miami. Too bad it's such wacky news here in California. Gov. Gray Davis has fallen prey to Total Recall, with Arnold Schwarzenegger elected as the new governor! There he is, giving his concession speech, telling supporters he's just called Ahnold to "congratulate" him and the new first lady, Maria Shriver. And here's Jay Leno, introducing the Terminator star's acceptance speech. Now this is what I call surreal.

Sorry I can't sound off on the 10 o'clock shows, but they're all preempted here in the Golden State by election results coverage! Sheesh, if I have to look at all this news, where's the concession speeches from Larry Flynt and porn star Mary Carey? That'd be some good TV.

The Daily Show with Jon StewartJon Stewart's coverage of our California gubernatorial debacle is a hoot. "We're standing in front of Gary Coleman's campaign headquarters," he says. Then you see he's just standing in front of a doll house. Ouch! But now, if you'll excuse me, I must go make plans to flee the state. Hmm... I wonder if TV Guide would let me telecommute to my job from Hawaii?