7th Heaven
If you're one of those people who've been hanging with the Camdens since 1996, God bless you. Cause I'm not. I haven't watched since Lucy was as young as Ruthie. And, Lord help me, sticking through the eighth season premiere was a trial for my TV soul. I couldn't take Simon's incessant sulking. Yes, he hit and killed a schoolmate with the family car. But it was, as was said seven times in the first 30 minutes, "an accident!" Then there's young Lucy who's married and living in an apartment over the garage? Trauma! Plus she and her hubby Officer Kevin Kinkirk want to have a baby — or as they like to say "do something life affirming." And what's up with Mary possibly living with and carrying the baby of recently homeless Carlos — aka Latin pop star Carlos Ponce?

Dr. Pepper
Ok. Cyndi Lauper's Dr. Pepper commercial is jammin'. But who is Anastacia? And why does she look and sound like Taylor Dane 2.0?

Everwood
"Just promise me that you won't keep trying," Colin Hart begged at the end of last season. Well, cliffhanger solved — the great neurosurgeon kept his promise. Hart died during surgery. And everyone in Everwood blamed Dr. Brown for it. The family was shunned. It was rough. And I think I was supposed to cry. But I didn't. You got that Everwood show writers? Your mood manipulation did not work on me. (Gulp.) Not once. Not Amy's breakdown in the restaurant. Not even Dr. Brown's tearful speech during Colin's memorial in the high school.

Girlfriends
Can we talk about Joan? Please, let's talk about Joan. You know it's a small black world when a sistagirlfriend can run out of the rain and into Malik Yoba and then find out he's her boyfriend's agent. But to fall in love with the man in a day? And to declare said love to each other? Maybe I'm jaded. But that's not amore, honey. That's lust. I'm not saying she shouldn't ride that stallion. But let's call 'em like we see 'em. And while I'm at it... I gotta say that last night was not a good make-up night for Persia White (who plays Lynn). Honestly. There was no reason for that girl to look like the make-up artist erased her face then painted it back on. No reason. I'm running out of space here so I'm going to save Lynn's still-celibate, broke-ass poet boyfriend for next week. Ditto for Maya's hilarious self-help book fixation.

The Victoria Secret Angel Collection
Oh, is that what I'm doing wrong? After I buy the $60 bra and panty set I have to put on my wings and rub up against the mirror in them. Note to self: Remember the rub.

Cotton
I know it's the fabric of our lives, but the touch and feel of cotton has never made me want to dance around my office.

Half & Half
"You can't wait for happiness to go on sale," Dee Dee said. "Sometimes you have to pay full price." Hey, I know it's just a sitcom, but I'm taking this to heart.

Road Rules: The South Pacific
Evil product placement be damned. I cheered for the Road Rulers. I wanted them to make it across that obstacle course and get those Subaru cars. Even Tina from Lincoln, Nebr.

X-Men: Evolution
I love Cartoon Network for playing this at 10:30 every night. 'Cause a girl is not able to get up on Saturday morning. OK? And, sometimes you just need a Wolverine fix. Even animated, that's one sexy mutha shut-yo-mouth.

The Wade Robson Project
OK. Tonight's routine was just stupid. Wade was channeling his inner Rerun (What's up Rog?). And the whole thing — all two counts of eight of it — was too fast and jerky. Still, I was alone in my living room, so... girlfriend shook a tailfeather. And girlfriend lost a tailfeather. Damn Wade and his "Boom-boom pop!"