7th Heaven So this is the "biggest 7th Heaven event ever"? The only thing big about this episode is the house Kevin buys for Lucy. As a

surprise. Can we talk about this for a second? Who actually goes out and buys a huge-ass house (with a pool, spa and rose garden) without telling their spouse? How does one pull that off anyway? Do you say you're going to the store for some milk, then come home with a mortgage? (And did I happen to mention how large this house is?) Other than that, I was kinda disappointed by this "very special" episode. They couldn't come up with something more original than Lucy getting stuck in an elevator while she's going into labor? Oh, and did anyone else laugh at that ridiculous contest that urged viewers to log on to WB's web site "after the blessed event"? Um, they know that Lucy's not a real person and that she didn't have a real baby, right? Sorta what you need to qualify as "blessed."

Purell Hand Sanitizer commercial
Time to play "What's My Most Humiliating Career Move? The MC Hammer Edition": Made millions ripping off Rick James' "Super Freak." Wore ridiculous-looking genie pants. Spent bazillions gold-plating lavish home. Hired friends to run company, then went broke. Went gangsta. Officiated at Corey Feldman's wedding on The Surreal Life. "U Can't Touch This" becomes the official theme song for a germicidal gel. Gosh, what to pick, what to pick...

Degrassi: The Next Generation
While this ep lacks juicy hookups and dating drama, it's still a must-see for its lessons on ethnic tolerance. (Skip the parts about JT's sewing talents. Yawn. There are far more embarrassing hobbies to inflict on a teenage boy. Like doll collecting.) The proud Arab (Fairuza) becomes the target of a hate crime when her Muslim display is trashed during International Day. And the closeted, ashamed Arab (Hazel) suffers too, but in silence. Back in my After School Special days, these two would've eventually bonded. On Degrassi, they don't. That's because this show isn't afraid to let teens know that life isn't always that simple, that deep divides can still exist among people of the same culture. This is smart TV. Which is why this adult keeps watching.

Everybody Loves Raymond
Marie and Frank are finally out of her hair (not to mention her kitchen, her living room, her bedroom — eewwww! — and every other aspect of her life), and Debra's less than ecstatic? "It's closing day at the mental institution!" shouts Ray. "Final clearance! All crazies must go!" cheers Robert. And Debra? "I feel sad. I'm going to miss them. They're like family." Give me a freaking break. After all she's been through, who actually buys this crap? Not her husband, that's for sure. "Is this your 'ladies time'?" asks an incredulous Ray. "It is coming soon though, right?" I'm with you on this one, Ray. I can't think of a better explanation either.

Two and a Half Men
Yeah, sexy Jeri Ryan works well as the hard-to-get minx who turns the tables on Mr. Slick Charlie. But this ep would've been so much funnier if producers had saved Denise Richards for the role. (Like when Brad Pitt played Jennifer Aniston's nemesis on Friends. Reverse casting of spouses is always hilarious. Come to think of it, maybe it leads to divorce?) Funniest exchange: "She's gorgeous, she's self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's a commitmentphobe," says Rose of Sheri. "Oh my god. I'm dating myself!" responds Charlie. [Pause] "No wonder the sex is so good!" Hmmm. So maybe Charlie Sheen's not doing the casting. But is he writing this stuff or what?

24
Here's two people who won't be winning Father of the Year awards: Navi Araz, who tries to have his son murdered by one of his thugs, and James Heller, who turns his son over to CTU's "torture experts" to get him to spill his guts. Both are acting out of love for their government, a connection we're supposed to make, I'm sure. Looks like Behrooz is the lucky son. (Last we saw of poor, yet adorable, Richard he was under those blaring headphones.) What kind of hit man would openly display his gun like that? Kinda serves him right, doesn't it? (When they were alone in the desert, did anyone else flash back to The Sopranos when Silvio murdered Adriana in the woods?)

Naturally, the good guys aren't so stupid. (Yay, Jack!) But did I miss something here? Wasn't the missile already on its way? So when Driscoll told Jack he had seven minutes, wasn't that seven minutes before the place was leveled? How could she call off an incoming missile? No matter, since Heller's rescue gave way to my favorite part of the hour: The English Patient moment when Jack whispers to Audrey, "I'll be back for you. I promise." Sigh. (Only this time I wasn't sobbing into a bucket of popcorn.)

PS: It's about time we found out what Aisha Tyler is up to! I was beginning to think her agent should be fired for landing her such a nonrole. We already knew she was sneaky, but a mole? Genius!

Medium
I'm the sensitive, sappy type, so I couldn't have cared less about the woman who gave the wrong description to the sketch artist. No, what got to me was Allison's little girl, who not only sees dead people, she befriends them as well. (Apparently she's inherited mom's powers, which I noticed in the first ep when she was picking up the right-colored crayons without looking. Nice foreshadowing.) Yeah, make fun of me, but I got a lump in my throat when Allison was holding Bridget and the "ghost" of a 5-year-old boy who'd died in a playground accident. Not only did Allison have to tell the boy it was time to go to heaven, she then had to explain to her child why she couldn't "play" with him anymore. Pass the Kleenex, please.

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
Speaking of Kleenex, Jay Leno offered up a wonderful tribute to Johnny Carson: "He had grace, charm and dignity...We trusted him to make us laugh, to entertain us... He was smart enough to be hip, but not so hip that he'd be out of style the next year... He was the best, plain and simple. If you were fortunate enough to watch Johnny during his 30-year run, consider yourself lucky. You are not going to see the likes of him ever again." We'll miss ya, Johnny.