That '70s Show You know, when I was growing up, Christmas episodes were about Alf helping a sick kid and Michael getting Hope a tree, even though he was Jewish. Not Ashton Kutcher trying to get

Shannon Elizabeth naked (which never seemed to be a problem before). Though if a fuzzy, cat-eating alien could make my season bright back then, I guess it's not so much a stretch that the worst actress on the planet could play a librarian now. At least she makes the rest of the cast look Emmy-worthy.The Simple Life Oh my god, Nicole Richie and I finally have something in common! We both suffer from C.A.D., the crippling charge-account disease that forces one to shop wherever possible. Honey, I feel your pain and totally get using that cattle-auctioneer's feed-store tab to buy Janet a bird-feeder for Mother's Day. Here's a tip from my roomie: When the stores are all closed, there's always QVC! As for Paris's swipe about "hating" Shannen Doherty during the family's trivia game — girl, you better check it. I think I downloaded Miss Brenda Walsh's reason for hating you, too.The O.C. Shades of high school! No, not the New Year's Eve swingers party the Cohens attended (though any invites can be sent to me at TV Guide). What I'm trippin' about is this whole Seth-Summer-Anna triangle. In 1987, my geek-chic friend Nick was the booty in a hottie bidding war between a brunette and a blonde. Oddly, just like the funniest dork in Orange County, he ended up with the blonde, too. Hmm. And let's see a show of hands: Who else thinks Kristen's sister looks a lot like Julie Cooper? Sort of takes their dad's affair with the bitch next door to a creepy new level, huh? Ryan, kudos on getting to Marissa by midnight. Keep an eye on this Oliver guy, though. He's trouble, trust me.Rich Girls I wouldn't last a trans-Atlantic flight with Jamie, much less a whole vacation in London with her. So mad props to Ally and her bud Liz for putting up with droop dog's whining about being a third wheel. Baby, I know unspeakable wealth is a pain. How 'bout you take some of those Benjamins and get yourself some nice antidepressants, OK?Love Don't Cost a Thing spotNick Cannon in a remake of the Patrick Dempsey-Amanda Peterson opus, Can't Buy Me Love? You can buy me a ticket, thanks!Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2003 So, Bennifer rates higher than The Fab Five in Baba's 10 most fascinating people of 2003. Says her! Those two are so played, even my Chihuahua, Pepito, let loose with a howl from hell when the air-leak singer and her gambling guy popped on screen. Now, Iraqi War stalwart Gen. Tommy Franks in the top spot, that's how to pick 'em. Regardless of personal politics, it was refreshing to see a man of honor being honored, rather than some celebrity destined to be a Trivial Pursuit answer nobody can get.PrimeTime "Hello, I'm Oprah." Just the sound of the talk-show maven introducing herself to AIDS patients in South Africa broke my heart. Call me a sap, but the woman is a blessing. Cuddling orphaned kids, financing schools, using her clout to touch the lives of those so less-fortunate you can't even compare. It's all good as far as I'm concerned. Granted, her taste in books doesn't send me racing to Barnes & Noble, but her philanthropy sure had me grabbing my checkbook. "I'm one person, doing what I can," she says. How great it would be if we all thought that way.