60 Minutes II
Wow. Now I know why this little franchise has been around for, like, 100 years. It's a newspaper for lazy people. And just as unsettling. That piece on the cancers afflicting employees at IBM broke my heart. So many lives could have been spared if only the bigwigs had heeded the warnings about the chemicals they used. It's sickening and I am with every one of the civil-action participants. You sue their asses off, people. It won't undo the damage — but it might stop any more from being inflicted.

Billboard Music Awards
These things are so not about the awards, especially since this big old pat-on-the-back-fest is based on record sales anyway. No, they're about fashion and freaks. And we got a load of both when Celine Dion showed up to present 50 Cent with Artist of the Year. Honey, get help! You're starting to look like '70s porn icon Seka, OK? Sting receiving the Century Award all but solidifies my theory that the man shows up at the opening of a door. He's everywhere! If you don't believe me, check out the...

Sting commercial
Here, Sting hawks a special CD from the AOL Instant Messenger huckster, which he probably listened to in the sports car he was pushing last year. I blame it on that tantric sex thing he does. Or doesn't do, actually.

Ed
You know that Internet clip of the kid imitating Darth Maul's sword fight from Star Wars: Episode One? The first time I saw it, I nearly peed. But the second time, while there were some bladder issues, I had some pity for the poor dork. Rumor has it the entire phenomenon has ruined his life. Well, maybe he can take some solace in the fact that it made for one priceless subplot for Mark. Let's just hope we don't see Molly in a Paris Hilton-inspired story anytime soon, though, aiight?

Angels in America
You know, I watched the first three hours of this last Sunday and can't resist the hour-long installments HBO is airing all week. Amazing, from top to bottom. Mary-Louise Parker, you may have lost Billy Crudup to mopey Claire Danes, but I'm smelling an Emmy win in your future. Justin Kirk, you might as well get your speech ready, too. Anyone waiting for the second half, get your tissues ready.

Trista & Ryan's Wedding
I need to meet someone on TV, fall in love and get married. That way, I can get tons of free stuff, hire a scary Type A wedding planner and make my ex report from the sidelines. Though I would probably make sure my hair looked a little bit better than both messy Ryan and the newly-banged Trista... I mean her up-do, you gutterminds! Other than that, I gotta say, this was sweet. In that over-the-top, $3,778,000 sort of way. The vows were romantic, the dress was stunning and Chris Harrison was so proud to introduce the newlyweds at the reception. No matter what anyone has to say about the couple, this guy's been their Cupid all along. Top that, Probst!

Sidewalks of New York
If nobody goes to see Woody Allen movies anymore, what made Ed Burns think anyone would want to see his flimsy impersonation of Soon-Yi's stepdaddy-hubby? Whiny new Yorkers cheating on each other is fine. I love that. But do they need to talk so damn much?! And Eddie, putting a pair of glasses and a turtleneck on Heather Graham does not make her "intellectual." She just looks like a naughty Talbot's salesgirl who has a pair of Boogie Nights roller skates and hot pants in the back room. Which may have made this a far better movie. Sorry.

101 Biggest Celebrity Oops! Yes, Whitney, crack is wack. So was your interview with Diane Sawyer. And John Travolta, shame on you for turning down American Gigolo and An Officer and a Gentleman. Just think of all the flops you could have made in between the two. E!, you feed my need for tabloid trash without making me endure the silent scorn of my grocery check-out boy. Bless you.