Kelly Clarkson
48th Annual Grammy Awards
After proudly watching my pals Kimberly Caldwell and Rosanna Tavarez on TV Guide Channel's Countdown to the Grammys, followed, of course, by Joan and Melissa Rivers on our Grammy red-carpet show, I made sure my roommate's VCR was taping Idol and my own VCR was set for Lost. All systems go! Time for the Grammys.
8:00 pm The animated group Gorillaz open with their hit "Feel Good Inc.," and since I love the song, guess what? It makes me feel good. But I totally picture my mother in Chicago being very confused.
8:03 The goddess Madonna enters and I'm loving every minute of it. Can I please look that fabulous when I'm 47? After a brief lip-synched intro, she sings the rest of "Hung Up" live, and her hair looks like Lydia Cornell circa Too Close for Comfort.
8:13 Kelly Clarkson shockingly defeats Bonnie, Mariah, Sheryl and Gwen for Best Female Pop Performance for the brilliant "Since U Been Gone." You can tell they are thinking "No she did not." But I'm a happy camper since I multivoted for Kelly in 2002. Come on, admit it — you did, too.
8:14 Lovebirds Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman are shown happily clapping in the audience. Nicole's forehead, however, doesn't move.
8:15 Coldplay performs. With his hair grown out, Apple's daddy resembles a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Art Garfunkel. And I mean Bruce and Art today, not in their heydays.
8:25 John Legend sings my favorite song of 2005, "Ordinary People," which is also my new favorite to sing at karaoke bars. If you hear me do it, you'll be calling me Dave Legend. Trust me.
8:43 U2 performs "One," joined by Mary J. Blige with Heidi braids. I keep waiting for her to sing "Yodel-ay-hee-hoo" à la the Swiss Miss Instant Cocoa girl.
8:47 Kanye West, wearing sunglasses at night, beats out Eminem for best rap album.
9:08 Ellen DeGeneres says, "The next performer needs no introduction" and then quickly exits. The camera turns to the legendary Paul McCartney in his first Grammy appearance ever.
9:17 The Black Eyed Peas present with the first of just a few parading CBS stars, Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm surprised there aren't more. I was fully expecting to see the cast of How I Met Your Mother.
9:26 Mariah Carey sings the hit I'm sure is about her breasts, "We Belong Together."
9:32 Non-CBS star Teri Hatcher presents Best Pop Vocal Album with Michael Buble (can't say his name without laughing), and — shut up — Clarkson wins, beating out McCartney.
9:40 Parading CBS star No. 2 Jenna Elfman introduces Urban and Faith Hill.
9:59 An all-star tribute to Sly and the Family Stone involves too many people to mention, but I'm most impressed with Maroon 5, Joss Stone and Fantasia. Sly Stone's Mohawk makes him look like Big Bird.
10:18 McCartney surprisingly joins Jay-Z and Linkin Park for a rendition of "Yesterday," getting a standing ovation today from everyone but Rita Wilson.
10:24 Tom Hanks, in that weird Da Vinci Code hair, introduces Springsteen. Why is Sally Kirkland in the audience? Who let her in? This is the Grammys, not the Oscars.
10:30 Destiny's Child gives Song of the Year to U2, and Bono thanks his "father, Bob," which makes me say out loud "I have a father Bob, too!"
10:39 Kanye West and the ubiquitous Jamie Foxx perform "Gold Digger" in a very "Hollaback Girl" kind of marching-band way. I'm annoyed.
10:48 Record of the Year goes to "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day — hurray!
10:55 Christina Aguilera gives us classy-jazz-artist, but her boobs give us Tori Spelling.
11:05 John Legend gets Best New Artist. Here's hoping he goes the Mariah route rather than the way of the Starland Vocal Band.
11:18 Producer of the Year goes to the unfortunately named Steve Lillywhite.
11:19 U2 wins Album of the Year and they acknowledge all of their competitors, even Mariah.
11:22 Neil Portnow, Recording Academy president, gives a way-too-long intro to the closing number, an all-star salute to New Orleans. But just like the title, "Yes We Can Can," the song can run out of time on my TiVo. — Dave Anderson

Click here for the Grammy winners list.