24
Was 3:00-4:00 am an emotional train wreck or what? First, Audrey got all hysterical over Paul's death, which caused Jack "Stoic" Bauer to tear up big time. Then Tony professed his undying love for Michelle, who got all weepy in return. Not to be outdone, Chloe offered Jack a shoulder to lean on, you know, as a friend. Um, hello, people! Get a grip! There's a nuclear warhead missing out there! (We'll make an exception for Audrey. Honey? Go home!) Didn't it seem like everyone had gone a little nutty? Must be the whole lack-of-sleep thing. Buchanan lost his patience with prickly Chloe and her "personality disorder." President Logan threw not one but two paranoid temper tantrums, insisting Palmer had built an alliance against him. Edgar got all nasty when Chloe pointed out that he should've kept his mouth shut. Then, of course, there's poor, poor Audrey. When she's not begging Jack to leave her alone, she's lying about his whereabouts to the Chinese consulate. Talk about multiple personalities! By the time they all wiped away their tears, we finally got to see the ultimate showdown: Jack vs. Marwan. You had to cheer when Jack took Marwan down, even though you knew he wouldn't kill him. "I've been waiting a long time for this," he told Marwan. Yeah, so have we! Only now we're dying to know how you're going to stop that launched missile. — Robin Honig

Everwood
Couldn't someone have introduced Ephram to the ways of eBay before he sold all his belongings at a bargain-basement price to a scary dude who is in a band that combines punk rock, new wave and early LeAnn Rimes? Actually Ephram would probably have done the world a favor by finding another way to earn the cash for Europe. Now all that high-tech equipment is being used to unleash what sounds like the world's worst musical idea. Speaking of bad ideas, who thought of making Mayor Mommy have cancer and potentially be paralyzed? She's one of my favorite characters on this show, and I'm already fragile after the whole Ephram-and-Amy dissolution. I just don't think I could take it if something happened to her.... At least she got off one of the best lines of the night before the weeping began. When asked if she was concerned about the carb count in her family dinner, she just said, "Dr. Atkins can bite my bum." Perfect, and just one of the reasons that she needs to stay on this show. Besides, if we lost her Bright might lose his sense of humor, and then I'd just be a wreck for the entire hour. As it stands, he and Hannah's awkward, clearly not siblinglike and definitely not toilet-talk relationship is, well, the bright spot of the show. Though I have to say that Hannah shouldn't have worried that Bright wouldn't scarf down whatever she had cookin' in the kitchen. Since he's been out of work and off his high-school exercise regimen, he seems to eat anything that's put in front of him. When he stands next to the nearly invisible Ephram, you can tell that despite the fact that he didn't go to college, he's still put on the Freshman 15. Doesn't matter too much, though; I'd still cuddle up with this Coloradan teddy bear anytime. At least he'd make me laugh. — Angel Cohn

The Bachelor
Chris Harrison is my new hero. Seriously, anyone who can sit in the same room while Charlie O'Connell's exes verbally beat one another into piles of silicone and hairspray must have superpowers. Or some really good meds. 'Cause I would have been all up in Sarah W.'s chili about her "pretty is a curse" whining. Please, girl. You look like the spawn of Hillary Clinton and the Campbell's Soup kid, OK? And you lied about telling Sarah B. that she wasn't on Chuckie's short list. We all know it, you know it and she knows it. So own it and move on to your five-night dating rotation. I'm sure your suitors are just so proud to be seen with someone who just admitted that she sees certain guys for the free dinners. Big-necked Kindle was right. "Welcome to the real world, bitch. You're not that beautiful." Or swift, walking into this pit of vipers. Now can someone explain to me what the hell Danushka was doing there? That pox was erased practically before Charlie picked up his first rose, and yet there she is, still emitting that low-frequency idiocy that made her so painful to watch in the first place. It's no wonder poor Chris was so frazzled that he had to raise his voice for the first time in W.T.A. history. Between Jenny bitching about fellow Canuck Kimberley's roadhouse-skank wardrobe and the pretaped bits of finalists Krisily and Sarah B. hating on Sarah W., this season's batch of desperate harpies finally answered that age-old question: Can't we all just get along? Apparently not. As long as cameras, cleavage and O'Connells are involved, at least. Thankfully, that sort of three-way happens less often than most of these "ladies" would probably like. — Damian J. Holbrook

Las Vegas
"A brand-new Las Vegas starts now," says the NBC announcer. OK, then so does my breast timer. And... mark it! Fifteen seconds in, after a couple of buildings and an electronic sign, here comes the cleavage. Don't know if that's a series record or not, but it's gotta be close. Now... whoa — this Toyota Sequoia ad has a father turning off the TV and taking the kids out to look at the stars. Can't the FCC look into that? We're talking about my livelihood here.

Anyway, here's a reason that no matter how dumb this show gets, I have a soft spot for it: Jon Lovitz and Curtis Armstrong hamming it up in the same episode? It could only be more grating if they threw Gilbert Gottfried into the mix. You people oughtta be thankful for this favor, after all. With these two tied up, think of all the other shows you don't have to worry about them being on. Only, please, Las Vegas people. No more mention of Big Ed getting a bikini wax.

Hey, I know I keep getting distracted by commercials, but this Acura ad deserves comment. They're selling an on-board traffic-monitor system so you can go where the other drivers aren't? As my third-grade teacher used to say, ever think about what would happen if everybody did that?

As for the end of the episode, for those of you who weren't paying attention: Yes, that was foreshadowing. We're supposed to think Mary and Danny are getting back together at some point. — Michael Peck

Medium Here's an interesting concept: Serial killers are just regular people who happen to become haunted by the spirits of psychopaths. I guess Allison is lucky that the voices she hears are "normal," huh? Seems like a fine line, doesn't it? Even the crazy British doctor pointed out that she was sensitive in a different way. I wish she hadn't blown that off. What's truly sad about this idea is the randomness of it. Doctors become afflicted. So do little girls. In that case, Allison fights back and wins. So there is some hope. There's a lot of cool stuff here, but too much of it got buried within Allison's dreams, arguments with her husband and visits to the psychiatric prison. And while I loved the side story about Ariel "guessing" the number of pennies in the jar (yes, we know, she has "the gift"), it just doesn't fit into this ep. Just like Allison, the show needs to focus on one thing at a time. — RH

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