2004 Summer Olympics
Oh, man. These commentators are killing me! That chirpy chick chattering over the women's triathlon needs a muzzle. And a clue. As the ladies hit the surf for the first leg of the grueling 32-mile nightmare, this one pipes in with "Now is when they need to utilize their weapon... and that weapon is to swim." What?! Is this "Deep Sports Thoughts with Jack Handey"? Of course they need to swim! They're in water! Thankfully, it was the most amazing race since, well, last night's Amazing Race, with so-dark-we-never-even-heard-of-her dark horse Kate Allen blowin' it up in the final lap, overtaking Aussie favorite Loretta Harrop for the gold and leaving U.S.A.'s Susan Williams with a bronze. Which is still awesome, no matter what the announcers would have us believe. Third best in the world, people. Try hittin' that, you downers!

Schick Quattro Commercial
Hola, Colby Donaldson. Listen, my girl Jenn really doesn't care if your five o'clock shadow shows up late. She just wants to know when you're coming over. Hook a brother up, would ya.

Damian's Reality Fantasy of the Night: Amish in the City
Dangling Reese and Meagan from a parasail over the waters off Catalina during the house vacation isn't enough, UPN! These two need to be enrolled in the Uday Hussein Soccer Camp and Resort, if you know what I mean. Dag. Their bitchy tag team on Mose and the others even drove poor monosyllabic Randy into a Paul Hamm-ish, high-pitched ghetto bash on Meagan that may be the first time an Amish person ever used the words "bitch" and "ass" in a compound phrase. Nice! A little scary and sort of misogynistic, but hey, we've all seen the news. It's always the quiet ones. And my word to the city kids is just watch out. You just know Miriam and Ruth know how to throw down.

2004 Summer Olympics
I didn't know Queer as Folk was on tonight. Ohhh, wait... it's just the Greco-Roman wrestling finals. My bad. However, good for Rulon Gardner, letting it all go as he took off his shoes to symbolize his retirement. He may be taking home a bronze, but that show of emotion is a gold-medal moment. Because real men cry. And not just because their Lycra one-piece is doing a number on the kids.

Drew Carey
Well, this sucks. The closer we get to the finale, the wittier the show becomes. And cooler. Love the single-camera look this one is working. Very Arrested Development. But since most of the jokes tonight have to do with Drew and Kellie's conservative-versus-liberal feud, I must plead the fifth on which one was actually funnier, much less more on target. I've learned my lesson. Politics have no place in this column. Much like prayer in public schools. D'oh! Sorry about that, folks. What I'm not sorry about is handing the Quote of the Night award to Kaitlin Olson's Traylor for her delicious RSVP to Mimi and Oswald's party:
"Oh, I've never been to one of those hillbilly soirees. Will I get to see one of your relatives challenge the Devil to a fiddle contest?"
My dad, bless his soul, is kind of a hick. I am totally using that one on him.

Dr. 90210
Oh, my God! Excuse me, I'm vomiting here! Dr. Rey may consider himself an artist, but what I'm seeing here looks like outtakes from a Quentin Tarantino snuff film. I don't get it. The 28-year-old model wannabe looked great before going under the knife. Afterward, that child still hated her body! Serves ya right, messin' with a good thing like that. At least wait until nature's had its way and you've dropped faster than the Titanic. Like the 50-year-old who couldn't keep her anesthesia down. Or maybe just hug what God gave you and deal. 'Cause I don't think "high and perky" wins you extra points in the afterlife, you know?

2004 Summer Olympics
Can't we ever have an American victory without some sort of scandal? Jeesh, first it's Hamm, China and the judges' bad math, then that Russian gymnast with the Pixie Stix legs and hooker eye shadow mouths off about us rigging the gold, and then this. The men's volleyball semifinal with Greece goes into OT after our boys — who still have my roomie swooning — close up a huge gap to come out on top. Time to wave the flag, right? Nope. Now we have Greece getting all "They were on the net!" or whatever. Please. I understand we faced you in your own house, but swallow it, OK? Besides, you got that Fani Halkia rocking the women's 400-meter hurdles. Not only did she get the gold, but she also gets the prize for the Games' most inspirational post-win reflection. "I don't want to be a hero. I just want to show that if you have a great soul, you can go to the top of the world." Damn right, girl. And that's why I can't watch Rescue Me now. I'm feelin' too much love to go there tonight.