A leaden excuse for family entertainment, loosely inspired by Jules Verne's 1873 novel, coarsened almost beyond recognition and dominated by Jackie Chan's comic martial-arts schtick. This version follows eccentric Londoner Phileas Fogg (English cult comedian Steve Coogan) as he tries to circumnavigate the globe in 80 days, reconceiving him as a wealthy inventor who tests his creations on a revolving staff of valets. His newest valet/victim is fugitive Lau Xing (Jackie Chan), who fast-talks his way into Fogg's employ by claiming that, contrary to all appearances, he's actually a French gentleman's gentleman named Passepartout. Lau/Passepartout is in possession of a stolen jade Buddha that he must return to his native village. Fogg desperately wants to see his tinkering recognized by the stuffy Royal Academy of Science, but it's a toss-up as to which Her Majesty's Science Minister, Lord Kelvin (Jim Broadbent), despises more: Fogg's newfangled ideas or Fogg himself. Exasperated, Kelvin proposes a bet: If Fogg can travel around the world in 80 days or less, Kelvin will surrender his position to him; if Fogg fails, he'll abandon inventing and never again darken the doors of the Royal Academy. And so Fogg and Passepartout are off in a tangle of conflicting agendas, encumbered by madcap would-be painter Monique La Roche (Cecil de France) and pursued by both the fearsome Chinese assassins of General Fang (Karen Joy Morris) and a bumbling Scotland Yard inspector (Ewan Bremner) in Kelvin's employ. The 1956 AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS often figures into discussions of the worst movie ever to win a Best Picture Oscar, but it's nothing of the sort: It's lavish hokum, but it's also hugely enjoyable and that's more than can be said of this lumpen, tin-eared, unbelievably expensive remake in which aging Victorian aristocrats throw tantrums like spoiled 21st-century brats, the exotic locations (most faked in Germany and Thailand) are so utterly contrived that the film might better be called "Around Epcot's World Showcase in 80 Days" and the faux-naïve scene transitions charmlessly mimic old-fashioned travelogue cliches like the aerial map marked with a dotted route line. In an effort to duplicate the original film's dazzling lineup of token appearances by world-class stars, the remake's cameos include Arnold Schwarzenegger as lustful Turkish prince Hapi, Luke and Owen Wilson as the Wright Brothers, Sammo Hung as folk hero Wong Fei Hung, John Cleese as an unflappable policeman, Rob Schneider as a bum and Kathy Bates as Queen Victoria. --Maitland McDonagh
