Exploitation auteur Andy Sidaris continues his series of silicone-enhanced espionage pastiches with RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH, starring his usual roster of singularly inexpressive ex-Playboy and Penthhouse magazine models, along with an assortment of even more spectacularly untalented, though
well-sculpted, musclemen, wrestlers, and martial artists.
Willow Black (Julie Strain) leads the L.E.T.H.A.L. Force (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law), a covert government agency comprised of the world's most beautiful undercover agents, including Tiger (Shae Marks), Tyler (Christian Letelier), Cobra (Julie K. Smith), and Doc (Paul Logan). When one
of two computer disks containing the secret to the location of a hidden treasure is stolen, the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents travel from Louisiana to Beverly Hills to Hawaii to retrieve it. The disk, which was stolen by Sofia (Carrie Westcott), is delivered to Martinez (Rodrigo Obregon), who tries to find
the second disk, but it's found first by Tiger and Tyler.
Tyler is then abducted by Sofia and some ninjas, and they take him by submarine to the location of the hidden treasure, but the rest of the L.E.T.H.A.L. team is already there and they rescue Tyler. Sofia reveals that she is actually an Interpol agent, and she and the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents retrieve
the treasure, which includes a priceless golden Buddha. Willow and the L.E.T.H.A.L. agents go to arrest Martinez, who tries to persuade them that he's a Philippine government official who is trying to rightfully reclaim the treasure for his country, which was stolen by the Japanese during WWII.
However, Tiger discovers that he's actually Martinez's outlaw nephew in disguise, and they arrest him.
For the uninitiated, Andy Sidaris is a former television sports director who turned to softcore features in the mid-1970s and whose family affair oeuvre (with wife Arlene and son Christian) consists of about a dozen babes, beefcake 'n' bullets sagas which are sort of like what James Bond movies
might look like if they were directed by Russ Meyer--albeit if Russ had no sense of humor and only rudimentary filmmaking skills. The films are beyond traditional criticism, since their sole raison d'etre is to allow the Sidaris's to vacation in Hawaii and display the twin talents of their
preternaturally (if surgically created) pneumatic females, with virtually every scene beginning or ending with them getting dressed or undressed and entering or exiting showers.
RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH carries on this noble tradition with clockwork efficiency, along with the requisite chases, shootouts, kung fu fights, and explosions, alternating with slow-mo fireplace and waterfall sex scenes. Unfortunately, however, Sidaris seems to be under the impression that his
viewers are actually interested in a story, and thus, there is far too much plot (although none of it makes much sense), even including flashbacks to the original SAVAGE BEACH (1990), and constant pauses for characters to deliver convoluted exposition and backstory in hilariously ham-fisted
fashion. Though the film is merely meant to be tongue-in-cheek, campy fun, the "actors" are too inept to pull it off, as the wooden, bikini-clad male and female bimbos struggle to spit out ludicrous techno-babble and exchange in such witty repartee as "I love women in leather...you smell like a
new car"--"Yeah, well too bad you'll never get a test drive." But what can you expect from a movie that actually gives a screen credit to a supplier of "Lingerie and adult marital aids." (Violence, profanity, nudity, sexual situations.)
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- Released: 1998
- Rating: R
- Review: Exploitation auteur Andy Sidaris continues his series of silicone-enhanced espionage pastiches with RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH, starring his usual roster of singularly inexpressive ex-Playboy and Penthhouse magazine models, along with an assortment of even mor… (more)